Friday, November 14, 2003

Word, props, money dog fo’ shizzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Like Paris’ lovers, I got a million of them
*You know the difference between Paris Hilton and Paris, France? Not everybody has been in Paris France.

You know the difference between a Hilton Hotel and Paris Hilton? You have to pay to get into bed at a Hilton Hotel.

*I couldn’t find the Paris Hilton video. The best I could do was find a sleazy knock-off; instead of the Paris Hilton it was the Trenton Redroof video.

See if you can spot them
*Movie goers claim they have spotted 22 errors in the latest Matrix movie. The biggest error? Making another Matrix movie.

*Los Angeles Dodger’s relief pitcher Eric Gagne won the Cy Young award for being the best pitcher in the National League. Gagne’s long scraggily goatee also won the Cy Sperling Award for the ugliest patch of hair.

No Rush for rush
*Rush Limbaugh is out of rehab. He’s clean, he’s rested, he’s every bit as full-of-crap as ever.

Rush said that the best part of being clean and sober is that he has a new-found clarity of his hatred of Hillary Clinton.

Yuck and more yuck
*A woman in California found a condom in her clam chowder. She should have known when they asked if she wanted her chowder Manhattan, New England or Bill Clinton style.

Not a problem
*Prince Charles is battling allegations that he had a homosexual affair. It has been so distracting for Prince Charles, he probably wouldn’t be able to perform his job. Luckily he doesn’t have one.

Oh, please
*It really rained yesterday. I was wetter than Rosie O’Donnell watching the Paris Hilton video.

Wasting wasted time
*There was a forty-hour filibuster debate in the Senate. Or as Ted Kennedy called it, two missed Happy Hours.

Poor schmuck
Rick Soloman is suing Paris Hilton for defamation over the explicit sex video circulating the Internet. Can you blame him? That poor guy. Now everyone knows he had sex with a hot rich girl. How will he ever recover? What a tool.

Thursday, November 13, 2003

Bare with me, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers, I’m having a rough week; there is a candid sex video on the Internet that features me and Rosie O’Donnell.

How much rain is there?
*L.A. had five inches of rain and hail in an hour. Fire, rain, hail, mudslides; Hollywood is one sleazy TV Show away from a plague of locusts.

It was raining so hard in L.A., it actually floated somebody into a John Kerry for President rally.

First fire and now rain. Southern California didn’t have a Fall, we had a James Taylor song.

Lazy, lazy, lazy
*On Sunday, ESPN broadcast a Scrabble tournament. They also replay the World Series of Poker. How lazy have we become when we can’t go to the effort of actually playing Scrabble or poker, we have to watch it on TV? “Eww, you have to shuffle cards and roll dice, that’s tough.”

It’s a good thing the poker and Scrabble tournaments or both on ESPN. People who watch poker and Scrabble on TV are too lazy to go to all of the trouble of switching channels.

Hate to see that
*There were no winners at the Rosie O’Donnell trial. Kind of like there are no winners when Rosie goes to an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Not very difficult
*The Greek government wants their Parliament to pass a law which will make it easier for brothels to operate during the Olympics. Easier for brothels to operate? What’s so hard about operating a brothel? Hookers + customers = a well run brothel. It’s harder to operate a spoon than it is to operate a brothel.

What’s so hard about operating a brothel? Even Gray Davis could operate a brothel.

Good news
*Rush Limbaugh is coming back to his radio job after rehab. And guess what? He’s pregnant with David Letterman’s baby.

No, Rush Limbaugh is rested, ready, clean, sober. Rush is so clear-headed he even acknowledges that Donovan McNabb is a really good quarterback.

*A woman in California found a condom in her clam chowder. It was her own fault, she ordered it Kennedy-style.

Oddly enough
*Tony Danza, who played "Tony" on Taxi. He was also on a show as a housekeeper also named "Tony." He then had the "Tony Danza Show." Well, now Tony Danza might have his own talk show. Interestingly they are going to call the show; “Bobby”

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

We all of that and a side-o-biscuits, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Now if she could just lose the rest of her
*Anna Nicole Smith has lost 80 pounds. The last time Anna Nicole lost 80 pounds was when she buried her 89-year-old husband J. Howard Marshall.

Yep Anna Nicole lost 80 pounds. And no, we don’t mean she can’t find her son.

You know how Anna Nicole lost so much weight? She went on the Webster diet: she can’t eat anything she can’t spell.

Duh. He’s called a Prince and he lives with his Mommy
*I guess you all heard those rumors about Prince Charles, the rumors of the homosexual affair. If it’s true, I am starting to finally get the whole Camille Parker Bowles-thing.

Who cares if Prince Charles is gay? It just doesn’t matter, if Charles is gay it doesn’t effect his ability to, um . . . what the hell does that guy do, anyway?

Do you think Charles is gay? I sure can't tell. It's that stupid English accent; they all sound gay to me.

I just want to hear her say Master
*And Jessica Simpson is reportedly up for the role in the movie version of "I dream of Jeannie.” For her first trick as a Jeannie, Jessica is going to turn tuna into chicken.

Criminal neglect
*Men’s Journal has listed the top fifty Guy movies. It includes “Caddy Shack”, “The Godfather”, “Terminator”, “The Dirty Dozen.” If you ask me it was shameful how they slighted; “Under the Tuscan Sun.”

I haven’t seen the entire top guy movie list, but I am willing to bet “Beaches” isn’t very high.

Brock Stocker
*Here’s something interesting, discount broker guru Charles Schwab. He revealed this week he is dyslexic. That’s bad news for you folks who have your money at Schwab. You thought you had a stockbroker? Turns out you got a broke stocker. A bunch of poor grocery-clerk guys.

Ten items or less
The grocery store workers are still out on strike. It has been so long, the substitute grocery bagger’s are actually starting to understand the difference between paper and plastic.

Here’s Johnny
*Christian Slater received 20 stitches for a gash to his head after his wife hit him with a glass. Apparently she snapped, threw the glass and screamed; “Stop imitating Jack Nicholson.”

A geologist believes that, two hundred million years ago, methane gas releases nearly caused the end of the world. I don’t know about the end of the world, but methane gas releases sure have caused the end of many of our "A Little Bit Bad *editor meetings.

*Anyone who has ever read this blog knows that the real joke is that there is obviously no editor involved anywhere in this process.

Since you asked;
Have you noticed that articles about comedy are always written by people with apparently no sense of humor at all? It is also true that the people who feel the most justified in harshly criticizing humor have no sense of it in the first place. And that isn’t just directed at the bitter tools who don’t like my stuff.

But the other day I was reading an article analyzing humor. The old adage is true: Humor is like a frog, once you dissect it, it’s dead. But this dork who wrote this article concluded that there is no great comedy without pain. That may or may not be true, but I can tell you this from personal experience: hitting yourself in the testicles will not make you any funnier.

And that is today's deep comedy thought. (Polite applause)

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

It’s your thang. Dowhatchyawannado, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(P.S. One summer I went to Camp Dowatchyawannado in Wisconsin. I made a cool wallet and lanyard)

It's that good
*Britney Spears album “In the Zone” is getting good reviews. Madonna gave it two tongues up.

Cue the moron
*Jessica Simpson has inked a deal with ABC to star in a scripted comedy series. When told she was going to get her own sitcom, Jessica said; “Oh goody, can I get a convertible Sitcom?”

I think the name of Jessica Simpson’s sitcom is “Everybody Loves Airhead.”

It’s official, Jessica put down her X and everything.

You go, girlfriend
The Rosie O’Donnell trial is winding down. Some interesting juicy gossip has emerged from this trial. For example, you know that Ellen DeGeneris? Just a big, flirty, tease.

When it comes to the winner of this lawsuit, don’t ever bet against Rosie O’Donnell. I learned that lesson at Rosie’s Steel Cage Lesbian Death Match against Chastity Bono.

Chicago Beers
*Former Chicago Bears Super Bowl winning quarterback Jim McMahon was arrested in Florida for drunk driving with over three times the legal blood alcohol limit. Three times the legal limit. That’s almost drunk enough to be able to sit through an entire Bears game.

Police became suspicious when they noticed that McMahon’s white headband held a flask.

No former Chicago Bear should ever drink that much. Now, a current Chicago Bear? Well, that would be understandable, they need to drown their sorrows.

*The Supreme Court is going to decide if the Al Queda and Taliban terrorists held at camp X-Ray, are entitled to a court appeal. I’m confident that the Supreme Court will find, like anyone who has been around them, that these terrorists have absolutely no appeal whatsoever.

All hype
*Philadelphia Eagles were led by Donovan McNabb in a last-minute 17-14 come-from-behind win over Green Bay, Monday night. Sadly, the win might not count because, as Rush Limbaugh pointed out, McNabb is overrated by the media, so ABC might have simply exaggerated the comeback.

Like a tuna failing swim class
Banned Ohio State running back great Maurice Clarett is reportedly failing his Physical Education class. How is that possible? That’s like Bill Gates getting caught cheating on his taxes.

Monday, November 10, 2003

We gonna play them all silly, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I’ll have what he’s having
This morning there are millions of 41-year-old men asking themselves the same question: Where can I get my hands on a box of Flutie flakes?

For almost twenty years, for five teams in Canada and the U.S., Doug Flutie has pulled-out amazing performances. In fact, the only person who has had more amazing performances in more cities for longer than Flutie is Cher’s makeup artist.

How about Doug Flutie? He pulled off an amazing feat; he made himself twenty years younger, and his coach Marty Schottenheimer twenty I.Q. points smarter.

And possibly “Brandy”
The Hungarian ambassador to the U.N., Andras Simonyi, claims rock and roll played a big part in Hungarian baby boomers resolve to bring down communist rule. With the notable exceptions of Paul McCartney’s “Silly Love Songs” which briefly revived interest in communist censoring.

Former Vice President Al Gore accused President Bush of using the war against terrorism as a pretext to consolidate power. In response, Bush accused Gore, when he had that gray beard, of
looking like Yassar Arafat.

And cue the Ditz
Jessica Simpson has inked deal with ABC to star in a scripted comedy series project for the fall 2004. The problem? Between now and then, somebody better teach Jessica how to read a script.

Jessica Simpson has inked deal with ABC to star in a scripted comedy series project for the fall 2004. When told she would be getting her own sitcom, Jessica said; “My own sitcom? Oh goodie, I’ve always wanted to learn how to use a computer.”

Kids these days
Miami’s tight end Kellen Winslow Jr already has surpassed his Hall of Fame tight end Father in at least one category: Phony contrite public apologies after moronic statements to the press.

Next stop, Jessica Simpson
Now that Super Bowl Champ Tampa Bay Buccaneer are 4-5, nobody mentions how much of a genius coach Jon Gruden is anymore. In fact, since the Bucs slipped below .500%, Gruden’s I.Q. has dropped faster than Ozzie Osbourne’s following the after-tour party.

Magical stuff
WD 40 has turned 50. If it wasn’t for WD-40, bicycle chains would rust, doors would squeak and Al Gore couldn’t go out in the rain.

If it wasn’t for WD-40 and duct tape, most guys couldn’t fix anything and Liza Minellie and David Gest could never have consummated their marriage.