Thursday, October 23, 2003

We all silly like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oh, this is going to be gooooooood
*Liza Minelli’s former husband David Gest is suing Liza claiming spouse abuse. And if Liza was the one who put on David’s Qusay-cadaver-like make-up, he might just have a strong case.

Man, oh, man, this Liza/David Gest law suit promises to be juicy. There are details coming out about Gest that are so nasty, they could actually make Michael Jackson blush.

Rush the passer
*Miami Dolphins linebacker Junior Seau joked that the only way to stop San Diego Chargers running back LaDanian Tomlinson is to “fill him up with chicken and watermelon.” Tomlinson is black. Good thing Junior is Samoan, if he were white he’d have to quit and announce he has a prescription drug problem.

Now starring
*Whitney Houston and husband Bobby Brown have announced that they will release a full-length feature film together. The working movie title is; “Call our Lawyer, Post My Bail.”

That, or I think it’s called “Dude, Where’s My House?”

What position did Mingo play?
*By the way, did you know that Florida Marlins second baseman, Bret Boone, and his brother announcer, Aaron, are distant relatives of pioneer explorer Daniel Boone? This explains the raccoon tail sticking out from under the back of their batting helmets.

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

To quote the good Doctor Hunter S., when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

And the clapper
I’ve got a great natural endorsement for 72-year-old New York Yankee coach and Boston Red Sox pitcher Pedro Martinez: Lifezone medical alert system. Pedro tosses Zimmer down and Zimmer yells; “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

This side up, 2
According to Glamour magazine, the latest trend for women is to have words tattooed on their rear ends. The worst butt tattoo? “Do these words make my butt look big?”

Commando panty raid
*The Judge in the Kobe Bryant case has ruled the case will go to trial but the evidence for the prosecution is weak including the defense’s damaging “other lover” panty evidence. Afterwards, you could almost hear the prosecutor mutter: “Would it have killed her to go commando?”

What a relief
Jennifer Lopez is going to produce a daytime talk show starring her younger sister, Lynda Lopez. Oh, thank goodness, because I was terrified that J-Lo. might not be in the news one day this entire decade.

Monday, October 20, 2003

We gonna kick it old school up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A big day for the kid
Congratulations go out to Ashton Kutcher. Today, after going out with Demi Moore for many months, Ashton finally was awarded his Senior Citizen Boy Scout Merit badge.

Or “This Side Up.”
According to Glamour magazine, the latest trend for women is to have words tattooed on their rear ends. My favorite? “Don’t even THINK about parking here.”

My favorite? “How am I driving?”

Nice addition
A man in Reno is under investigation for violating trade embargos when he bought four dolphins from Cuba. He had a buyer. The guy in the Bronx wanted to add the dolphins to his tiger and alligator collection.

Welcome to our era
China had its first successful space launch. In addition, China announced they will also introduce push-button phones, seat belts, pop-top cans, polyester and, someday, maybe even color TV.

Can you believe this guy?
Cal Berkeley’s last second 41-yard field goal was no good in their 23-20 loss to UCLA. Initially, it looked like the field goal hit the upright, but upon closer review, it turns out it was accidentally knocked away by Cubs foul-flubber Steve Bartman.

Same deal
German police apprehended a vicious crow that was attacking passers-by by getting it drunk on bait laced with alcohol. It’s the same technique they use to arrest Rodney King.

Wait ‘till Bush finds out they eat dogs
President Bush on Sunday rejected North Korea's demand that the United States sign a formal non-aggression treaty. Now it really looks bad for North Korea. Today they discovered oil there.

Just a hunch
Giants superstar Barry Bonds is among several high-profile athletes subpoenaed by a federal grand jury investigating an alleged Bay Area steroid maker. My guess is that they aren’t bringing in Barry for the “Before” in the “Before and After” part of the steroid testimony.

But other than that . . .
The grocery store strikers are upset that customers seem apathetic and uniformed about the striker’s plight. When asked to comment about the striker’s accusations of being uniformed and apathetic, one customer replied;

“I don’t know and I don’t care.”