To quote the good Doctor Hunter S., when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


And the clapper
I’ve got a great natural endorsement for 72-year-old New York Yankee coach and Boston Red Sox pitcher Pedro Martinez: Lifezone medical alert system. Pedro tosses Zimmer down and Zimmer yells; “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”


This side up, 2
According to Glamour magazine, the latest trend for women is to have words tattooed on their rear ends. The worst butt tattoo? “Do these words make my butt look big?”


Commando panty raid
*The Judge in the Kobe Bryant case has ruled the case will go to trial but the evidence for the prosecution is weak including the defense’s damaging “other lover” panty evidence. Afterwards, you could almost hear the prosecutor mutter: “Would it have killed her to go commando?”


What a relief
Jennifer Lopez is going to produce a daytime talk show starring her younger sister, Lynda Lopez. Oh, thank goodness, because I was terrified that J-Lo. might not be in the news one day this entire decade.