Saturday, September 13, 2003

Yo B, how come you never call the house already, ready, ready, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Step off wit yo good foot
A San Jose State football player, Neil Parry, an amputee, is playing with a specially outfitted artificial leg. One day the equipment manager forgot to bring the artificial leg to practice and boy was Parry hopping mad. (Once again, taking the high comedy road)

Parry’s doing really well, in fact he is doing better than the Cincinnati Bengals who, this year, don’t have a leg to stand on. (Boo. Hiss)

Since you asked
Sad about John Ritter. Notice how they have bent over backwards to express that Ritter was a great guy, always nice and funny to his Hollywood co-workers? The implication, obviously, is that most of the other Hollywood stars are colossal jerks.

As Ritter was somebody who enjoyed huge fame and success in the Seventies, you have to ask if his heart trouble might have stemmed from a certain excess widely dispensed on mirrors in Hollywood during that era. Now I don’t know if Ritter was so inclined, but, from what I hear, it would have been truly hard to avoid back then. He sure was a lot thinner then, but who wasn’t? But I do know it is flat out bizarre that a fairly young guy in good health would have his heart flake out like that.

Either way, you can bet there will be a bunch of other movie, TV and rock stars, in their late forties and fifties, nervously waiting in line at the cardiologist Monday. How Joe Walsh is still standing up, I can’t figure.

Also sad about Warren Zevon and Johnny Cash. Cash’s “A Boy Named Sue” was a favorite with my Dad. I was a fan of both but not part of their cults. Why do these celebrity passing always go in threes?

If I could do it all over again I would have warmed up better before timing the forty in football my senior year and pulling my hamstring from my foot to my neck; I would have gone out with Denise Bernier instead of, well, some others; I would have gotten better grades instead of working so hard to be an underachiever, and I would have traded all of my– this is the most painful to admit – Dan Fogelberg records (Hey, it was the late Seventies and driftwood sculptures were the rage) into Warren Zevon albums.

But then again, (Using my best Disco Dirk the diggidy dog voice) the ladies they surely loved the Fogelberg. Yessireee, compadre, a Fogelberg album on the turntable, a strawberry scented candle, some California Chablis, an absent dorm roommate, and you were good to go, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers . . . huh? Oh, sorry, I got lost there for a second. What were we talking about? Oh yeah, Go Cubs.

Friday, September 12, 2003

Badder and downer than a Mofizzle, my burizzles and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Even the Flintstones had a rock house
*An Arizona man has been evicted from a cave in a national forest that he’s been living in for the past 11 years. The worst part? They aren’t giving him any of his cleaning deposit back.

How do you get evicted from a cave? Were the neighbors complaining about too much noise?

Poor guy has no cave, no home, no place to go, he has no choice but to come here to California and get his driver’s license.

What a good idea . . .
We now have a law in California that any illegal immigrant can get a driver’s license in California. Because our highways weren’t quite messed-up enough.

Traveling in style
Did you see that guy who shipped himself in a wooden crate from New York to Dallas? He now has so many frequent flyer miles he can upgrade to a metal crate.

In addition, the temperature in Hell has plummeted
*The Chicago Cubs announced playoff tickets for possible playoff games at Wrigley Field go on sale Sunday. In addition, fans in the upper deck should beware of low-flying pigs.

Bennifer Lofleck update
*Rumor has it that the J. Lo Ben Affleck wedding postponement is due to J. Lo’s lingering anger over Ben’s alleged intimate stripper encounter. Ben replied that there is no truth to that, and then asked if anyone could break a $100 dollar bill into one hundred ones.

And now they're having trouble finding a future date that doesn’t interfere with all of J. Lo’s future weddings.

How sick are you?
*Sports fans, is anyone else as sick as I am about hearing about Ohio State’s suspended running back Maurice Clarett? How sick of it am I? I would rather hear more about J. Lo and Ben’s postponed wedding, that’s just how sick.

Dream tent sold separately
*Barbie had been banned in Saudi Arabia; it seems Saudi Arabia’s religious police believe that Barbie threatens their morality. They are serious. Today Riyadh-Ken was sentenced to have his right hand chopped off. Big deal? If you don’t have genitals, why do you need a right hand?

Incidentally, is it just me, or what?*Saudi Arabia’s web site has a feature titled; “The War on Terrorism.” Saudi Arabia is declaring war on terrorism? Isn’t that like Anna Nicole Smith declaring war on white trash?

Thursday, September 11, 2003

Here is to hoisting a couple to the memory of Vinny "Boom Batz" Abate and his younger brother Michael, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Stop it, you personage
*Did you hear there is going to be a new peach-colored twenty-dollar bill? And to think I didn’t even know that Andrew Jackson was gay. Come to think of it, he did go by the name Andrew.

Once upon a time, there was a slut
*Madonna has written a children's book. I think it’s titled; “Heather Has 47 NBA Daddies.”
I think Madonna’s children’s book is titled; “The Adventures of Whorey Potter.”

Oh, great
*J. Lo and Ben have postponed their wedding. Oh great. Just what am I supposed to do with embroidered copy of the “Gigli” review I got them for a wedding present?

There is a story going around that, in the Nineties, J. Lo was evicted from her Hollywood apartment because she left her dog in the apartment for three days without food, water or potty walks. In fact, J. Lo treated that poor dog worse than she treated most of her old husbands.

Terrorist and Fashion felon
*Did you see the latest videotape of Osama bin Laden? Talk about a guy who could use a make-over from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” Can’t you just hear Carson Kressley?

“Seriously, lose the khaki coat, it is so Sixties. And that hat? Somebody’s missing a toilet seat cover, please.”

This bin Laden clown comes out with more bad videos than Crazy Al Yankovic.

That long, huh?
*The Sporting News reports the average life of a major-league baseball is seven pitches. That’s two pitches longer than the average life of a Detroit Tigers pitcher.

Barbie Abdulah
*Saudi Arabia’s religious police have dubbed Barbie dolls a threat to the morality of Islam. Except for “Jihad Barbie” who comes with her own sidewalk café to blow up, that they OK’d.

How cold was it?
*Colorado got a late summer snowstorm. It snowed so much in Eagle county, Kobe was shaking from the cold instead of the thought of jail.

That old, huh?
*Rapper Ludicris turns 26 today. That’s about 86 in Rapper years.

*A man who worked as a shipping clerk in New York, mailed himself in a box to his parent’s house in Dallas. It turns out the guy just didn’t want to go through the pain, horror and humiliation of being seen on a Continental flight.

You can't blame her
*Did you hear that Madonna was on “Oprah” and Oprah made Madonna cry? Oprah must have shown a clip of Madonna’s movie “Swept Away.”

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

Oh yes, this is how we be up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Big hitter, long . . .
*The Dalai Lama is set to visit the White House. President Bush is under strict orders not, repeat, not to crack any of his Bill Murray “Caddy Shack.” lines.

Well, isn’t that special . . .

*Madonna has written a children's book. I think it’s titled; “Heather Has Two Mommies, and One of Them is Tied-Up.”

Of course he quit
*Peter Ueberroth has quit the governor race. Ueberroth was a wealthy businessman who led the successful Los Angeles Olympics, he was also a successful baseball commissioner and has a record of turning around failing companies; of course Ueberroth resigned, he’s not a stripper, he’s not an actor, he’s actually qualified, he had no choice but to quit.

Rule him out
J.Lo and Ben Affleck are getting married this weekend. We don’t know if they wrote their own vows or not, but we do know the guy who wrote “Gigli” didn’t.

Head lines
After Kurt Warner suffered a concussion Sunday, St. Louis coach Mike Martz is Rams is benching Warner this week. You can tell Warner is still a little woozy, he is referring to his upcoming benching as being put in a time-out.

Martz is under the gun for playing Kurt Warner after Warner had a concussion. One case cited was Merril Hoge, a former Chicago Bear, who, for three days after one of his many concussions, couldn't remember he had a wife and daughter. Upon reading this, Kobe Bryant said, “Yeah, that’s it, that's what happened to me, I forgot.”

Kobe or not to be
*A judge has ruled there will be no cameras at the Kobe Bryant trial. Bad news for his wife, now Vanessa Bryant will have to go to the trial to keep an eye on him.

*I love those classic rock Disc Jockeys who advertise that they rock. They rock? Here’s an update, hey D.J’s, those artists whose music you play? They rock, you’re just playing their songs.

G’day, gay
*NBC is going to produce “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” for Australia. These guys will bring new meaning to the term going down under.

How hot is she?
*Perky Meg Ryan apparently has some very provocative sex scenes in her upcoming movie; “In the Cut.” Meg is looking hot. How hot? Let’s put it this way, Meg looks hot enough to send Kobe out shopping for another diamond ring.

Hello Mrs Robinson, goodbye hair
Did you see Simon and Garfunkel’s press conference to announce a reunion final tour? I’m not positive, but from the looks of them, it will be called "The Bad Comb-Over Tour."

In fact, they had to update the lyrics for Sounds of Silence:

“Hello Hair Club for men, I’ve come to talk with you again, because my scalp is slowly creeping, ‘neath my hair that is receding . . .”

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

Happy Birthday and all hail the Google, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Type in "Lyrics to Happy Birthday"
The search engine Google is five years old. It’s hard to believe, that just five years ago, if we wanted to find something, we had to actually get off our lazy asses and go find it.

When informed Google was five, President Bush asked; “I forget, is Google Oday or Qusay’s kid?”

Check out classic Dave with Roddick:

Who da man? You da man. Who do woman? You da woman, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Windy City World Series
*The Chicago Cubs are the sole leaders of first place in the Central division. Here it is into September, and the Cubs are in first place. The Cubs are doing so well they have almost taken Chicago fans minds off how horrific the Bears are.

I've said it before . . .
The Chicago Cubs and the White Sox are in first place. If the Dodgers and the Angels were in the World Series it would be called the Freeway series. Do you know what they call it if the White Sox and the Cubs are in the World Series? The Seventh Sign of the Apocalypse.

Believe it or not, sports fans, here it is September and the Chicago Cubs are in first place in the Central division, and the New York Mets are in last in the East. In a related story, millions of Chicago sports fans are calling Federal Express to ship their souls for prompt delivery to Satan.

Buh bye Buckeye
*A Cleveland station reports Ohio State will not ask for Maurice Clarett’s reinstatement, meaning he's done in Columbus. Apparently the school found out Clarett not only took thousands of dollars, he is also hiding weapons of mass destruction.

Say it ain’t so, Yoko
*In a protest for peace, Yoko Ono will sit on a stage and allow people to cut pieces of her clothes off until she is naked. Whew, I would almost rather hear her sing than see Yoko naked.

On second thought, this is a great idea. Once they start cutting the clothes off Yoko, both Saddam and Osama will run out and scream; “We give up, now stop.”

One stop waiting
*In New York, a Starbucks coffee is opening inside a bank. And you wouldn’t believe the low low espresso interest rates.

A Starbucks inside of the bank? All they need is to open a Department of Motor Vehicles in there and you can spend the rest of your life in line.

Stop it, you person
*Hurricane Fabian is gone. He is filming a guest appearance on “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.”

Hurricane Fabian is gone. Rumor has it he's vacationing in New York’s Fire Island with Seigfried and Roy.

Since you asked:
Well, my daughter, Ann Caroline, is in Kindergarten. That means, twice a week, I get to pick her up and hang out with her at the playground. (We play a mean game of keep-away with a soccer ball. She doesn’t know I am secretly grooming her to be the next Mia Hamm minus the Nomar Garcia-whatever-his-name-is)

The only problem is that I am practically the only guy hanging out with all of these Mommies. (Insert your “Mr. Mom” joke here.)

I write at home, so it’s no big deal to pick her up, but I don’t want to mingle with these Mommies. I am afraid they’ll think I am some lech, or worse, some unemployed loser. What about the few Dads that are there, you ask? I suppose I could talk to them, right? Nahh. Who wants to hang out with a bunch of lecherous unemployed losers?

Would somebody please make this sign and bring it to Wrigley Field:

"Go all the way to the World Series, Cubs . . . and take Kordell Stewart with you"

How bad was Stewart on Sunday? Somewhere even Bobby Douglass is laughing.

Monday, September 08, 2003

We ‘bout to raise the roof all up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A different kind of bedtime story
Madonna is coming out with a children’s book. After her Britney-Christina kisses, this Madonna’s children’s book will be different; this time the wicked witch only wants to eat Gretel, not Hansel.

The thundering herd
Did you see Buffalo’s 350-pound defensive tackle Sam Adams intercept a New England Patriot Tom Brady’s pass and rumble 35-yards and score six? And that six was just on the Richter scale.

I don’t get it
*The Chicago Cubs are the sole leaders of first place in the Central division. Here it is into September, and the Cubs are in first place. Cubs fans are like a lottery winner who simply cannot believe their numbers match. “Wait. It’s September? The Cubs are in first? OK, what’s the catch?”

But seriously, folks
*Gray Davis joked about Arnold Schwarzenegger that nobody should be governor who cannot pronounce California. This also marks the first time that the words Gray Davis and joke have been used together.

Can you imagine Gray Davis as a stand up comedian? “Hello? Is this mike on or are we having another blackout?”

Who knew?
*Did you see who won on Sunday? The Detroit Lions. Apparently their new coach, former Forty Niner coach Steve Mariucci, introduced the Lions to something they had never seen before: the other team’s end zone.