Oh yes, this is how we be up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Big hitter, long . . .
*The Dalai Lama is set to visit the White House. President Bush is under strict orders not, repeat, not to crack any of his Bill Murray “Caddy Shack.” lines.


Well, isn’t that special . . .
*Madonna has written a children's book. I think it’s titled; “Heather Has Two Mommies, and One of Them is Tied-Up.”

Of course he quit
*Peter Ueberroth has quit the governor race. Ueberroth was a wealthy businessman who led the successful Los Angeles Olympics, he was also a successful baseball commissioner and has a record of turning around failing companies; of course Ueberroth resigned, he’s not a stripper, he’s not an actor, he’s actually qualified, he had no choice but to quit.

Rule him out
J.Lo and Ben Affleck are getting married this weekend. We don’t know if they wrote their own vows or not, but we do know the guy who wrote “Gigli” didn’t.

Head lines
After Kurt Warner suffered a concussion Sunday, St. Louis coach Mike Martz is Rams is benching Warner this week. You can tell Warner is still a little woozy, he is referring to his upcoming benching as being put in a time-out.

Martz is under the gun for playing Kurt Warner after Warner had a concussion. One case cited was Merril Hoge, a former Chicago Bear, who, for three days after one of his many concussions, couldn't remember he had a wife and daughter. Upon reading this, Kobe Bryant said, “Yeah, that’s it, that's what happened to me, I forgot.”

Kobe or not to be
*A judge has ruled there will be no cameras at the Kobe Bryant trial. Bad news for his wife, now Vanessa Bryant will have to go to the trial to keep an eye on him.

Guuuaaaahdmorning
*I love those classic rock Disc Jockeys who advertise that they rock. They rock? Here’s an update, hey D.J’s, those artists whose music you play? They rock, you’re just playing their songs.

G’day, gay
*NBC is going to produce “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” for Australia. These guys will bring new meaning to the term going down under.

How hot is she?
*Perky Meg Ryan apparently has some very provocative sex scenes in her upcoming movie; “In the Cut.” Meg is looking hot. How hot? Let’s put it this way, Meg looks hot enough to send Kobe out shopping for another diamond ring.

Hello Mrs Robinson, goodbye hair
Did you see Simon and Garfunkel’s press conference to announce a reunion final tour? I’m not positive, but from the looks of them, it will be called "The Bad Comb-Over Tour."

In fact, they had to update the lyrics for Sounds of Silence:

“Hello Hair Club for men, I’ve come to talk with you again, because my scalp is slowly creeping, ‘neath my hair that is receding . . .”