Tuesday, September 09, 2003

Who da man? You da man. Who do woman? You da woman, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Windy City World Series
*The Chicago Cubs are the sole leaders of first place in the Central division. Here it is into September, and the Cubs are in first place. The Cubs are doing so well they have almost taken Chicago fans minds off how horrific the Bears are.

I've said it before . . .
The Chicago Cubs and the White Sox are in first place. If the Dodgers and the Angels were in the World Series it would be called the Freeway series. Do you know what they call it if the White Sox and the Cubs are in the World Series? The Seventh Sign of the Apocalypse.

Believe it or not, sports fans, here it is September and the Chicago Cubs are in first place in the Central division, and the New York Mets are in last in the East. In a related story, millions of Chicago sports fans are calling Federal Express to ship their souls for prompt delivery to Satan.

Buh bye Buckeye
*A Cleveland station reports Ohio State will not ask for Maurice Clarett’s reinstatement, meaning he's done in Columbus. Apparently the school found out Clarett not only took thousands of dollars, he is also hiding weapons of mass destruction.

Say it ain’t so, Yoko
*In a protest for peace, Yoko Ono will sit on a stage and allow people to cut pieces of her clothes off until she is naked. Whew, I would almost rather hear her sing than see Yoko naked.

On second thought, this is a great idea. Once they start cutting the clothes off Yoko, both Saddam and Osama will run out and scream; “We give up, now stop.”

One stop waiting
*In New York, a Starbucks coffee is opening inside a bank. And you wouldn’t believe the low low espresso interest rates.

A Starbucks inside of the bank? All they need is to open a Department of Motor Vehicles in there and you can spend the rest of your life in line.

Stop it, you person
*Hurricane Fabian is gone. He is filming a guest appearance on “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.”

Hurricane Fabian is gone. Rumor has it he's vacationing in New York’s Fire Island with Seigfried and Roy.

Since you asked:
Well, my daughter, Ann Caroline, is in Kindergarten. That means, twice a week, I get to pick her up and hang out with her at the playground. (We play a mean game of keep-away with a soccer ball. She doesn’t know I am secretly grooming her to be the next Mia Hamm minus the Nomar Garcia-whatever-his-name-is)

The only problem is that I am practically the only guy hanging out with all of these Mommies. (Insert your “Mr. Mom” joke here.)

I write at home, so it’s no big deal to pick her up, but I don’t want to mingle with these Mommies. I am afraid they’ll think I am some lech, or worse, some unemployed loser. What about the few Dads that are there, you ask? I suppose I could talk to them, right? Nahh. Who wants to hang out with a bunch of lecherous unemployed losers?

Would somebody please make this sign and bring it to Wrigley Field:

"Go all the way to the World Series, Cubs . . . and take Kordell Stewart with you"

How bad was Stewart on Sunday? Somewhere even Bobby Douglass is laughing.