Saturday, August 30, 2003

We got to throw down and hit that all up in this here Hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Willy picks a tune out and he blows it on the Harp)

Mon dieu!
At the U.S. Open, 31 seed Arnaud Clement was bitterly upset about noise from a nearby jazz band during his second round loss to fellow Frenchman Gregory Carraz; “It was typically American;” hissed Clement; “It’s total disrespect.” Now come on, Arnaud; that is not fair. We respect the French. Why, without the French, we wouldn’t have, uh, well, for example, if not for France, we couldn’t, uh . . . so what kind of band was it?

Two in a Bush
Arnold Schwarzenegger is quoted as saying “Gay sex should be between a man and a woman.” So apparently Schwarzenegger is getting advice from President Bush.

Must see MTV
Did you see the MTV video awards? Madonna open-mouth kissed Britney Spears and Christine Aguilera. Apparently MTV now stands for Massaging Thyself Vigorously.

Man, oh, man, now I really want my MTV.

Of course that whole Madonna kissing Britney Spears and Christine Aguilera was just a cheap publicity stunt . . . a wonderful, lovely, and magnificent cheap publicity stunt.

Lots of things happened in the news besides the Madonna/Britney/Christina MTV awards open-mouth kiss, but, for some reason, I can’t seem to remember what they were . . .

Man, it is hot and muggy today, Slats and Nuggies, I tell ya, I am sweatin' like Ellen DeGeneris watching Madonna kiss Britney.

Thursday, August 28, 2003

This here how we do it when we do it to it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Ten Commandments monument was removed from the Alabama courthouse. It was replaced by the more politically correct: Ten Pointedly Worded Suggestions.

(Sniff) That’s my Arnold
Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted to having smoked pot and engaging in kinky sex sessions when he was a younger body builder. Today Bill Clinton wiped away a tear of pride and named Arnold an honorary democrat.

Have you seen the picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger smoking a joint? It’s hard to understand the guy now, can you imagine how hard it would be to decipher Arnold if he was stoned?

In perspective
Los Angeles Lakers center Shaquille O’Neal has claimed that he is in shape and has lost 15 pounds. For those keeping score, Shaq losing 15 pounds is the equivalent of throwing a deck chair off of the Titanic.

We have a winner
The rumor from tennis circles at the US Open is that Anna Kournakova and her mother are the champions of the most difficult diva award. This also marks the first time that the word Kournakova and champion have been used together.

Once again, in perspective
Bobby Browne was sentenced to 14 days in jail for parole violations. Or as Bobby Browne refers to 14 days: just over a half an ounce of cocaine.

Since you asked:
Not to put too fine a point on it, but you know those computer –related technical support people? Sadistic minions of Satan, every last stinking one.

We all know the drill: you wait listening to brain-bleeding muzak for an hour only to get some moron who does the computer version of shooting at somebody’s feet to make them dance, only to eventually have them hang up on you.

Then you call back, after two hours and three supervisors, the computer people tell you your problem is a software problem and then they give you the number of the software help line. After two more hours of muzak, the software people tell you it is really a computer problem and give you the computer helpline number. The truth is, both phone numbers belong to two guys at adjacent desks and they laugh and high five and exchange cash each time you call back and forth:

Evil Phone Techie One; "OK, OK, here's the bet: I say I can keep him on hold for ninety minutes, have him click on every single item in the control panel, hang up on him, and he will still call right back. Twenty bucks."

Evil Phone Techie Two: "No, no, no, better yet: For fifty bucks, I will make him cry. Yeah! I'll pull the old "It should work now" routine.

But today was the worst. Not to bore you with the details, but my E-mail didn't work after a cable outage. After the requisite hour of muzak, this guy has me change various settings on Outlook Express - my E-mail accessing software - until Outlook suddenly won’t recognize my password to let me log on. Then the guy, and I am not making this up, says;

“I cannot give you your password over the phone, I will have to E-mail it to you.”

Got that? The guy is going to send me an E-mail with my password to log-on to the place that won't let me log-on to my E-mails in the first place. Genius. Frickin’ genius. It’s like the time it took Woody from “Cheers” ten minutes to figure out that the instruction video on how to hook up a VCR won’t do him any good until he can hook up the VCR.

Evil, those technical help people are evil.

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

Walk with me for a while, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Pete won’t compete
In a classy move, Pete Sampras announced his retirement at the U.S. Open. Sampras retired having never won in France, just like the French army.

Insiders say Sampras got tired of all of the time involved, the tiring repetition and the discomfort. And besides plucking his eyebrows, the tennis was hard too.

Too cute
There are Chicago sports fans who contend that the Cubs cannot win because their name is too cute. They think you have to have a scary team name to win. I am not sure about that, the San Diego Padres are still losing and you just can’t get any scarier than a Catholic Priest.

How do we put this?
In “Playboy” the stripper from Toronto who allegedly “worked” for Ben Affleck, described what happened. How do I put this? Apparently the attendance figures for “Gigli" didn’t go down as fast as Ben.

Yeah, from what the stripper said about Ben, apparently the producers of “Gigli” weren’t the only ones who ate it.

What about the liver?
Another study came out touting the health benefits of red wine saying it could actually extend life. First they said red wine lowers cholesterol; then they said red wine lowers cancer risks, now they say red wine extends your life expectancy. This just in: If you don’t drink red wine, you’ll die.

Roid rage
Jose Canseco was released from jail after prosecutors dropped parole violation charges for testing positive for steroids while serving under house arrest. What did Canseco need steroids for during house arrest? Was he having trouble opening pickle jars? The garbage can too heavy?

Good excuse
Singer Bobby Brown was arrested – again – for parole violation for having dinner with his wife Whitney Houston. This is all married guys need to hear. “Honey, I can’t take you out to dinner, I could get arrested. Look what happened to Bobby.”

Monday, August 25, 2003

Bust a move, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Fore . . .
Darren Clarke won the WGC-NEC Invitational tournament. It was a great win for the portly Irish golfer, but a staggering blow to the entire “Golfers are athletes” contingent.

Now that’s hot
*Man it has been hot. Today I was sweating like Arnold Schwarzenegger trying to say Gubernatorial.

Appreciative crowd
*Sprinter Jon Drummond played the ugly American in Paris lying down on the track in front of 58,000, refusing to leave the World Track & Field Championships after false starting out of the 100 meters. The French crowd applauded and cheered. Because when it comes to lying down in the face of adversity, nobody is more appreciative than the French.

That will do it
Singer Bobby Brown was arrested – again – for parole violation while having dinner with his wife, Whitney Houston. Authorities were notified when Bobby tried to order his coke by the pound instead of the glass.

Bust a move
What is the deal with gas prices in California? They are out the roof. Everybody’s attention has been on Arnold and Cruz “Bust a move” Bustamonte, nobody kept an eye on Gray Davis who snuck around raising gas prices.

A close one
In the Little League World Series, Japan defeated Florida 10-1. Or as the San Diego Padres call a 10-1 game, a cliff hanger.

So sad
After 43 years of blindness, Michael May of Nevada, can see again. The bad news? His sight returned while he was watching the movie “Gigli”