Thursday, August 28, 2003

This here how we do it when we do it to it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Ten Commandments monument was removed from the Alabama courthouse. It was replaced by the more politically correct: Ten Pointedly Worded Suggestions.

(Sniff) That’s my Arnold
Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted to having smoked pot and engaging in kinky sex sessions when he was a younger body builder. Today Bill Clinton wiped away a tear of pride and named Arnold an honorary democrat.

Have you seen the picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger smoking a joint? It’s hard to understand the guy now, can you imagine how hard it would be to decipher Arnold if he was stoned?

In perspective
Los Angeles Lakers center Shaquille O’Neal has claimed that he is in shape and has lost 15 pounds. For those keeping score, Shaq losing 15 pounds is the equivalent of throwing a deck chair off of the Titanic.

We have a winner
The rumor from tennis circles at the US Open is that Anna Kournakova and her mother are the champions of the most difficult diva award. This also marks the first time that the word Kournakova and champion have been used together.

Once again, in perspective
Bobby Browne was sentenced to 14 days in jail for parole violations. Or as Bobby Browne refers to 14 days: just over a half an ounce of cocaine.

Since you asked:
Not to put too fine a point on it, but you know those computer –related technical support people? Sadistic minions of Satan, every last stinking one.

We all know the drill: you wait listening to brain-bleeding muzak for an hour only to get some moron who does the computer version of shooting at somebody’s feet to make them dance, only to eventually have them hang up on you.

Then you call back, after two hours and three supervisors, the computer people tell you your problem is a software problem and then they give you the number of the software help line. After two more hours of muzak, the software people tell you it is really a computer problem and give you the computer helpline number. The truth is, both phone numbers belong to two guys at adjacent desks and they laugh and high five and exchange cash each time you call back and forth:

Evil Phone Techie One; "OK, OK, here's the bet: I say I can keep him on hold for ninety minutes, have him click on every single item in the control panel, hang up on him, and he will still call right back. Twenty bucks."

Evil Phone Techie Two: "No, no, no, better yet: For fifty bucks, I will make him cry. Yeah! I'll pull the old "It should work now" routine.

But today was the worst. Not to bore you with the details, but my E-mail didn't work after a cable outage. After the requisite hour of muzak, this guy has me change various settings on Outlook Express - my E-mail accessing software - until Outlook suddenly won’t recognize my password to let me log on. Then the guy, and I am not making this up, says;

“I cannot give you your password over the phone, I will have to E-mail it to you.”

Got that? The guy is going to send me an E-mail with my password to log-on to the place that won't let me log-on to my E-mails in the first place. Genius. Frickin’ genius. It’s like the time it took Woody from “Cheers” ten minutes to figure out that the instruction video on how to hook up a VCR won’t do him any good until he can hook up the VCR.

Evil, those technical help people are evil.