Walk with me for a while, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Pete won’t compete
In a classy move, Pete Sampras announced his retirement at the U.S. Open. Sampras retired having never won in France, just like the French army.

Insiders say Sampras got tired of all of the time involved, the tiring repetition and the discomfort. And besides plucking his eyebrows, the tennis was hard too.

Too cute
There are Chicago sports fans who contend that the Cubs cannot win because their name is too cute. They think you have to have a scary team name to win. I am not sure about that, the San Diego Padres are still losing and you just can’t get any scarier than a Catholic Priest.

How do we put this?
In “Playboy” the stripper from Toronto who allegedly “worked” for Ben Affleck, described what happened. How do I put this? Apparently the attendance figures for “Gigli" didn’t go down as fast as Ben.

Yeah, from what the stripper said about Ben, apparently the producers of “Gigli” weren’t the only ones who ate it.

What about the liver?
Another study came out touting the health benefits of red wine saying it could actually extend life. First they said red wine lowers cholesterol; then they said red wine lowers cancer risks, now they say red wine extends your life expectancy. This just in: If you don’t drink red wine, you’ll die.

Roid rage
Jose Canseco was released from jail after prosecutors dropped parole violation charges for testing positive for steroids while serving under house arrest. What did Canseco need steroids for during house arrest? Was he having trouble opening pickle jars? The garbage can too heavy?

Good excuse
Singer Bobby Brown was arrested – again – for parole violation for having dinner with his wife Whitney Houston. This is all married guys need to hear. “Honey, I can’t take you out to dinner, I could get arrested. Look what happened to Bobby.”