Friday, June 06, 2003

We got spirit, yes we do, we got spirit how ‘bout you, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

We can only hope

After six weeks in a coma, singer Luther Vandross is conscious again. So there still may be hope for Ozzie Osbourne.

Tres Rude

Rattled by a jeering crowd, Serena Williams lost to Henin-Hardenne 6-2, 4-6, 7-5 at the French, err, Freedom Open. The crowd openly boo’d Serena Williams and cheered her mistakes. Those fans were openly hostile, rude and obnoxious, or, in a word: French.

Now that Serena is out of the French, err, Freedom Open, you have to feel a little sorry for the French. They won’t have the chance to boo another American until Lance Armstrongs kicks their derriere’s in the Tour De France . . . again.


In game five, did you see that massive cut the Mighty Duck’s John Madden cheek from a skate? John Madden bette put tough actin’ Tanactin on that.

Hate it when that happens

I’m having a rough day. Last night, one of my jokes broke and they found cork in it.

Poor Martha
Martha Stewart is in serious trouble. Not only does the domestic diva face nine charges, today they discovered Martha corked her spatula.


Nevada brothel is offering free sex to military men who served in Iraq. Especially for lance corporals and staff sergeants.

Sweet relief
The good news for Chicago Cubs fans is that the rest of Sammy Sosa’s bats were X-rayed and turned out to be a lot like the wine I buy: No corks.

The Sammy Sosa-corked- bat-scandal has officially become a media feeding frenzy. By the time this plays out, Sammy will have wished he had said he was ashamed of President Bush instead.

Upon his return after the corked bat incident, Sammy Sosa got a standing ovation from the Chicago Cubs fans at Wrigley Field. Remember, this is a city that had to endure Al Capone, who, if you saw “The Untouchables” used a bat a lot more illegally than Sammy.

After the corked bat incident, they X-rayed Sammy Sosa’s 76 bats and found nothing but wood. In fact, they found so much wood that Sammy will now replace Rafael Palmero as the next Viagra spokesperson.

Tit for Tat
In Oklahoma, a woman is in trouble for breastfeeding another mother’s child without her permission or knowledge. And the child’s Father is also furious at the woman for breastfeeding his child without letting him watch.

All the lies that are fit to print

New York Times executive editor Howell Raines and managing editor Gerald Boyd resigned amid the turmoil sparked by the Jayson Blair journalistic fraud scandal. At least that’s what they said, they could be lying.

No lie
In the first inning of the Chicago Cubs game against the Florida Marlins, with Sammy Sosa on base after driving in the first run, Moises Alou hit a pop up that broke his bat. No there was no cork in the bat, but for the first time in history, you could actually hear 30,000 people collectively gasp, hold their breath and then groan with relief.

The brand of bat Sammy Sosa corked was a “Tuff Bat” Today Sosa received a fruit basket and thank you note from Hillerich and Bradsby, the makers of Louisville Slugger bats.

Why are people shocked that a pro baseball player would use a corked bat? We are talking about guys who, when mired in a batting slump, go out and sleep with the ugliest woman they can find – who they call slump-busters - to superstitiously break out of the slump. As an alternative, a corked bat doesn’t seem so bad.

Snooze town

The Anaheim Mighty Ducks face the New Jersey Devils in game five of the Stanley Cup. People in Anaheim are very excited . . . for a change. I don’t want to pick on them, but, Anaheim is an old German word that means: I’m bored.

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

Oh, it’s on now, it is so on now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Do I smoke? I can’t remember.

*A study suggests smoking is bad for your memory. Well no kidding, smokers can’t even remember that smoking will kill you.

Dixie chicken
*The Dixie Chicks had to cancel a concert in Cleveland because Natalie Maines had a sore throat. Actually, what she really was really diagnosed with hoof and mouth disease from sticking her foot in her mouth.

Color me shocked, and then color me canary yellow.
*In an interview on “Dateline” Richard Chamberlain announced he is gay. I haven’t been this shocked since Bill Clinton announced he was straight.

It’s about time

*La-Z-boy will unveil it’s latest creation in July, "The Matinee Collection”. It’s a 3-piece set of home theater seating made up entirely of La-z-boy furniture. It even comes with a special attachment that fits over your eye-lids, so you don’t have to go to all the trouble of blinking.

Quack me up

*The Anahiem Mighty Ducks have tied their Stanley Cup series with the New Jersey Nets with a 1-0 win in overtime. I haven’t seen the folks in Anaheim this excited since TGI Fridays started serving Mozzarella sticks.

I am not crazy about the Mighty Ducks catch phrase this season: “Anaheim Mighty Ducks Hockey: It just doesn’t get any whiter than this.”

How white are Anaheim hockey fans? After their overtime win, thirty six guys hurt themselves miss-executing high fives.

Last night the Mighty Duck fans were so ecstatic with the overtime win, they all decided to go out and hit the Anahiem nightlife. Then they remembered: What nightlife? Or as we call the Anaheim nightlife: a microwave burrito and a six pack from Seven Eleven.

I don’t want to imply that Anaheim is dull, but in Anaheim guys go to Hooters to eat, drink and watch sports.

Look away to Dixie land.

*During the Dixie Chicks performance at the Academy of Country Music Awards, Natalie Maines wore a shirt with the letters F.U.T.K. – an ugly shot at Toby Keith, winner of entertainer of the year. As far as awards go, Maines now has a serious shot at winning the Barbra Striesand award for the most annoying entertainer of the year.

Babs has lost it, folks
*Outspoken environmentalist Barbra Striesand is suing an environmental watch-dog group over coastline photos of her Malibu estate: “ People, people who sue people, are the nastiest people in the world . . . ”

This just in: everyone who laughed at that last joke, you are also being sued by Barbra Striesand. Yes, that’s right, all ten of you.

French protest
Serena Williams beat Frenchwoman Amelie Mauresmo, 6-1-6-2. After the match, French President Jacques Chiric criticized William’s treatment of Mauresmo as unnecessarily aggressive.

HMO or Ho ho ho?
*The Japanese have discovered that laughing after a meal helps lower dangerous blood sugar in people with type two diabetes. So if you have type two diabetes and you are reading this, please remember to take your insulin shot.

It’s a jail thing
*Federal prosecutors are seeking a criminal indictment against Martha Stewart ''in the near future,'' her media company said. The Feds are serious. They are even planning to lock up Cybill Shepard just for portraying Martha Stewart in NBC’s “Martha Inc.”

It looks like Martha Stewart could go to jail. Tonight on the Food Channel’s “From Martha’s Kitchen” we learn how to cook a goose: Martha’s.

Monday, June 02, 2003

Step off with your good foot, now Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Mon Dieu
*There was an embarrassing moment at the G-8 summit. When President Bush arrived, French President Jacques Chirac surrendered to Bush’s Marine honor guard.

Witnesses at the G-8 conference described the encounter between President Bush and French President Jacques Chirac as “chilly.” It didn’t help that Chirac was wearing a Dixie Chicks button.

President Bush and French President Jacques Chirac tried to reconcile their personal feud over the Iraq war. It didn’t help things when Bush walked into their meeting with his thumbs in his ears, wiggling his fingers and saying; “Neener, neener, neeeeeeeeener.”

Some think President Bush was taunting French President Jacques Chirac at the G-8. Bush yelled; “Hey Chirac, let’s play pool after the meeting, but I rack. Get it, I rack? And my Dad gave me a new suitcase for this trip, so I said thanks for the bag, Dad. Get it? Bag Dad?”

It’s got to be killing President Bush not to rub our Iraq war win at the G-8 conference to the leaders of France, Germany and Canada. At the G-8, Bush looks like the guy at the high school reunion with the super model wife and the brand new Mercedes convertible.

Not again

*The US has lowered the terror alert from orange to yellow. We have gone from yellow to orange and back more than the bruises on Whitney Houston’s nose.

On the case
*Eric Rudolph, the longtime fugitive charged in the 1996 Olympic Park bombing, was arrested in the mountains of North Carolina. 1996? Who was on this case, the Boulder, CO police?

Talk about a kiss off
*A wanted man, David Horton, was arrested after his parole officer saw Horton kissing his girlfriend in a live crowd shot at a Cincinnati Reds game. Now he is back in prison. And the poor guy didn’t even get any tongue.

Horton is in serious trouble now. His prison cellmate saw him cheating on him.

Hey, yo over here

*New Jersey has teams in the NBA and NHL finals, the Nets and the Devils. Who knew toxic waste was so healthy for you?

I like the New Jersey attitude behind their NBA champ contending Nets. Their catch phrase: “New Jersey Nets Basketball: We got some balls.”

New Jersey is very proud to have teams in the NBA and NHL finals. There is a new hot selling t-shirt in New Jersey emblazoned with the words: “Go Nets and Devils. You got a problem wit dat?”

American Get a Life
Madonna’s highly promoted “American Life” album has plummeted to 49th on the charts and is still falling. And that’s including the big new promotion: For every coffee drink you buy at Starbucks, you now get Madonna’s CD for a coaster.