We got spirit, yes we do, we got spirit how ‘bout you, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?


We can only hope
After six weeks in a coma, singer Luther Vandross is conscious again. So there still may be hope for Ozzie Osbourne.


Tres Rude
Rattled by a jeering crowd, Serena Williams lost to Henin-Hardenne 6-2, 4-6, 7-5 at the French, err, Freedom Open. The crowd openly boo’d Serena Williams and cheered her mistakes. Those fans were openly hostile, rude and obnoxious, or, in a word: French.

Now that Serena is out of the French, err, Freedom Open, you have to feel a little sorry for the French. They won’t have the chance to boo another American until Lance Armstrongs kicks their derriere’s in the Tour De France . . . again.


Bam
In game five, did you see that massive cut the Mighty Duck’s John Madden cheek from a skate? John Madden bette put tough actin’ Tanactin on that.


Hate it when that happens
I’m having a rough day. Last night, one of my jokes broke and they found cork in it.

Poor Martha
Martha Stewart is in serious trouble. Not only does the domestic diva face nine charges, today they discovered Martha corked her spatula.


Attention
Nevada brothel is offering free sex to military men who served in Iraq. Especially for lance corporals and staff sergeants.

Sweet relief
The good news for Chicago Cubs fans is that the rest of Sammy Sosa’s bats were X-rayed and turned out to be a lot like the wine I buy: No corks.

The Sammy Sosa-corked- bat-scandal has officially become a media feeding frenzy. By the time this plays out, Sammy will have wished he had said he was ashamed of President Bush instead.

Upon his return after the corked bat incident, Sammy Sosa got a standing ovation from the Chicago Cubs fans at Wrigley Field. Remember, this is a city that had to endure Al Capone, who, if you saw “The Untouchables” used a bat a lot more illegally than Sammy.

After the corked bat incident, they X-rayed Sammy Sosa’s 76 bats and found nothing but wood. In fact, they found so much wood that Sammy will now replace Rafael Palmero as the next Viagra spokesperson.

Tit for Tat
In Oklahoma, a woman is in trouble for breastfeeding another mother’s child without her permission or knowledge. And the child’s Father is also furious at the woman for breastfeeding his child without letting him watch.


All the lies that are fit to print
New York Times executive editor Howell Raines and managing editor Gerald Boyd resigned amid the turmoil sparked by the Jayson Blair journalistic fraud scandal. At least that’s what they said, they could be lying.


No lieIn the first inning of the Chicago Cubs game against the Florida Marlins, with Sammy Sosa on base after driving in the first run, Moises Alou hit a pop up that broke his bat. No there was no cork in the bat, but for the first time in history, you could actually hear 30,000 people collectively gasp, hold their breath and then groan with relief.

The brand of bat Sammy Sosa corked was a “Tuff Bat” Today Sosa received a fruit basket and thank you note from Hillerich and Bradsby, the makers of Louisville Slugger bats.

Why are people shocked that a pro baseball player would use a corked bat? We are talking about guys who, when mired in a batting slump, go out and sleep with the ugliest woman they can find – who they call slump-busters - to superstitiously break out of the slump. As an alternative, a corked bat doesn’t seem so bad.


Snooze town
The Anaheim Mighty Ducks face the New Jersey Devils in game five of the Stanley Cup. People in Anaheim are very excited . . . for a change. I don’t want to pick on them, but, Anaheim is an old German word that means: I’m bored.