Thursday, May 22, 2003

I'm Jellin’ so much I’m swellin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Now them’s long odds
*In the sports books along the Las Vegas Strip they list Annika Sorenstam's chances of winning the Colonial at 500-1. How long is 500 to 1? Funny Cide has a better chance of becoming a Daddy.

*What’s the difference between Funny Cide and Sorenstam at the Colonial? Funny Cide already made the cut.

500 to one are about the same odds you can get that Hootie Johnson will name Annika as his replacement as President of Augusta.

Hate to hear that
*During the TNT halftime show during San Antonio’s then 25-point romp of Dallas, commentator Charles Barkley began animatedly looking around. When host Ernie Johnson asked Charles what he was looking for, Charles said; “I’m looking for the fat lady.” (To sing) Turns out Charles was sitting on her.

Don’t tell me

*Who saw the final installment of CBS’s “Hitler?” Don’t tell me how it ends, I taped it.

Now that’s bad
*How bad did Martha Stewart look in the; “Martha Inc.: The Martha Stewart Story?” Let’s put it this way, she was the most evil person documented on TV the same week they aired “Hitler.”

Time heals all wounds
*France has accused the U.S. of being rude and abusive to them. Folks, if I may play analyst here, this kind of painful and shocking accusation by the French can only be cured with time . . . there, that oughta do it. I’m over it.

Well, they must be right, because when it comes to being rude and abusive, nobody knows more than the French.

France has accused the U.S. of being rude and abusive to them. Bless their hearts, those French just write their own punch lines, don’t they? That’s like being accused of being pretentious bad actor by Madonna.

Now that’s scary
*The United States military is now using the music of Metallica and other heavy metal bands to break the will of Saddam Hussein supporters to get them to talk. They were going to use Kathy Lee Gifford’s CD, but the UN pronounced that as cruel and unusual.

Paging Dan O'Brien
Everybody is making such a big deal about Annika Sorrenstam playing on the men’s PGA. Let’s be honest, this is golf: a sport where another guy carries your gear for you and drinking in a bar afterwards is nearly required. Not exactly the Olympic Decathlon. Let her play.

Oh, well in that case . . .
A man in the Philippines was shot and killed recently in a karaoke bar because he wouldn’t stop singing. The killer was charged with first-degree murder, until it was discovered the murder victim was repeatedly singing “Feelings,” so the charges were reduced to involuntary manslaughter.

It adds up

Nearly 13,000 high school seniors in Florida won’t graduate this year because they failed a state achievement test. Here is a question they failed: “If ten ballots are punched by ten republican voters, how many votes are there? The right answer? Twenty.”

Free Anna
Have you seen a picture of Anna Nicole Smith lately? My word the woman is HUGE. Anna Nicole decided to go on the hot new South Beach diet from Florida? She misunderstood and ate South Beach.

Wednesday, May 21, 2003

I KNOW you just didn't bump it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


France has accused the U.S. of being rude and abusive to them. Folks, if I may play analyst here, this kind of painful and shocking accusation by the French can only be cured with time . . . there, that oughta do it. I’m over it.

Well, they must be right, because when it comes to knowing about being rude and abusive, nobody is more practiced than the French.

A spare

Dennis Rodman got married last Wednesday. Rodman had his own selfish reasons to get hitched: he has run out of room for tattoos, he needs another body to tattoo.

All the News that’s full of Sh$t
Lying New York Times reporter Jayson Blair has announced he will write a book about his fake stories. He will write the book while fulfilling his other duties as the newly appointed Iraqi Information minister.

Lying New York Times reporter Jayson Blair will write a book about his elaborate fake stories. How much did Blair lie? Even that Iraqi Information Minister-guy called him full of crap.

New York Mets catcher Mike Piazza is out indefinitely with a severely pulled groin. Piazza said he has to wait until the swelling goes down. And if there’s one thing you don’t want in a locker room it’s a swollen groin.

A severely pulled groin. Or as I call that: high school.

The Mets team doctor said it could take a week for the swelling in Mike Piazza’s groin to go down. Which explains all of the calls Piazza’s been getting from Madonna.

This thing of ours
The New Jersey Nets take their 2-0 lead against the Detroit Pistons. The New Jersey Nets are heavy favorites to win in New Jersey because, A, they are hot, B, the crowd will be behind them and C, if they don’t win, Tony Soprano is gonna’ grind them into sausage and serve them at the Bada Bing.

Sunday, May 18, 2003

Lay it down nasty, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I should be the Commissioner
There should be a new rule in baseball: If you are over 18-years-old, and you keep a foul ball instead of giving it to the nearest kid, or get an athlete’s autograph, you have to wear a hat for a week that has LOSER printed on the front.

Useless Peace of . . .
The chief Palestinian peace negotiator resigned as Palestinian leaders prepare for a major summit with the Israeli prime minister. I am shocked. I had no idea Palestine had a peace negotiator.

This guy was as useless as the French Defense Minister.

Oh that . . .
Former NBA star Dennis Rodman and Michelle Moyer, who have had two children together, got married in Newport Beach, Calif. Rodman then announced that the couple isn’t going to live together. Good move, Dennis, why let a little thing like marriage get in the way of dating?

The Natural
ESPN has a new sports talk show starring Jim Rome titled “Rome is Burning.” And who is the natural sponsor for “Rome is Burning?” Tough actin’ Tinactin jock itch and athletes foot spray.

Count ‘em
The Chicago Cubs beat the Milwaukee Brewers 4-2 in 17 innings. The game nearly went into the 18th inning. Or as the Detroit Tigers call 18 innings: two loses.

Since you asked:
Slats and Nuggies, have you seen the hilarious “Late Show with Conan O’Brien?” If you have, then you know that the bandleader is E-Street Band’s drummer, Max Weinberg. And if you have seen HBO’s “Sopranos” you know that one of the main guys is E-Street band guitarist Steven Van Zandt. What is going on? Aren’t these guys rich and famous enough?

Why stop there? I am going to organize an E-Street band outreach program for those poor band mates who don’t have a national TV show. Patty Scaflia? Red could guest star as Grace's older sister in "Will and Grace." How about the man himself, Bruce Springsteen? Poor guy hasn’t been on anything since the awesome John Cusak flick, “High Fidelity.” How about we get a re-make of “Who’s the Boss” starring the Boss? Can't you just hear the Boss in that raspy, low, mumbling voice saying;

"Samantha, you ain't leaving the house dressed like that."

And the Big Man, Clarence Clemmons? A Saxophone playing Jolly Green Giant. A kid's show natural:

"Fee fie foo fum, blowin' some Sax boogie, now here I come."

Why do I have to be the one who comes up with these brilliant ideas? Let's start pulling your weight, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.