Thursday, May 22, 2003

I'm Jellin’ so much I’m swellin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Now them’s long odds
*In the sports books along the Las Vegas Strip they list Annika Sorenstam's chances of winning the Colonial at 500-1. How long is 500 to 1? Funny Cide has a better chance of becoming a Daddy.

*What’s the difference between Funny Cide and Sorenstam at the Colonial? Funny Cide already made the cut.

500 to one are about the same odds you can get that Hootie Johnson will name Annika as his replacement as President of Augusta.

Hate to hear that
*During the TNT halftime show during San Antonio’s then 25-point romp of Dallas, commentator Charles Barkley began animatedly looking around. When host Ernie Johnson asked Charles what he was looking for, Charles said; “I’m looking for the fat lady.” (To sing) Turns out Charles was sitting on her.

Don’t tell me

*Who saw the final installment of CBS’s “Hitler?” Don’t tell me how it ends, I taped it.

Now that’s bad
*How bad did Martha Stewart look in the; “Martha Inc.: The Martha Stewart Story?” Let’s put it this way, she was the most evil person documented on TV the same week they aired “Hitler.”

Time heals all wounds
*France has accused the U.S. of being rude and abusive to them. Folks, if I may play analyst here, this kind of painful and shocking accusation by the French can only be cured with time . . . there, that oughta do it. I’m over it.

Well, they must be right, because when it comes to being rude and abusive, nobody knows more than the French.

France has accused the U.S. of being rude and abusive to them. Bless their hearts, those French just write their own punch lines, don’t they? That’s like being accused of being pretentious bad actor by Madonna.

Now that’s scary
*The United States military is now using the music of Metallica and other heavy metal bands to break the will of Saddam Hussein supporters to get them to talk. They were going to use Kathy Lee Gifford’s CD, but the UN pronounced that as cruel and unusual.

Paging Dan O'Brien
Everybody is making such a big deal about Annika Sorrenstam playing on the men’s PGA. Let’s be honest, this is golf: a sport where another guy carries your gear for you and drinking in a bar afterwards is nearly required. Not exactly the Olympic Decathlon. Let her play.

Oh, well in that case . . .
A man in the Philippines was shot and killed recently in a karaoke bar because he wouldn’t stop singing. The killer was charged with first-degree murder, until it was discovered the murder victim was repeatedly singing “Feelings,” so the charges were reduced to involuntary manslaughter.

It adds up

Nearly 13,000 high school seniors in Florida won’t graduate this year because they failed a state achievement test. Here is a question they failed: “If ten ballots are punched by ten republican voters, how many votes are there? The right answer? Twenty.”

Free Anna
Have you seen a picture of Anna Nicole Smith lately? My word the woman is HUGE. Anna Nicole decided to go on the hot new South Beach diet from Florida? She misunderstood and ate South Beach.