Saturday, November 23, 2002

Let's kick it old school, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(More caffeine-fueled musings rather than jokes today)

Today is the big rivalry Saturday: USC vs. UCLA, Ohio State vs. Michigan, Eminem vs. Moby, Russell Crowe, vs. Dennis Quaid, and Christine Aguilera vs. the entire fashion industry.

I am still waiting by the phone for "People" to rescind their sexiest man of the year. Should I probably sit down?

Can you believe that? Ben Affleck "Trivia Question" the sexiest man? The guy always looks like he just got back from Jack in the Box in desperate attempt to try and cure his hangover. Whereas I, on the other hand, am much healthier looking. I look like I just got back from Jamba Juice in a desperate attempt to try and cure my hangover. The typical Tavern sponsored Chicago area softball team has at least two guys better looking than Ben Affleck. Or his boyfriend Matt Damon, for that matter.

What is the deal with Christine Aguilera lately? There are hookers patrolling the Port Authority bus station in New York who are making fun of her latest look. (Or so I've heard) Christine’s fashion choices are scarier than Michael Jackson’s babysitting techniques.

Who is Tony Soprano going to whack this week? Personally, I am pulling for the entire cast of HBO’s “Mind of the Married Man.” (Well, except for maybe Bobby Slayton) That show started out great, but now it should be re-named “Mind of the Terminally P.W.'d and, or, Sleazy.” It’s a male mid-life crisis version of if “Sex and the City” mated with the old eighties embarrassment and whining-fest “Thirty Something” minus the funny shoe jokes. Note to the writer of “Mind of the Married Man:” Never in the recorded history since matrimony has existed has a husband ever said to his wife; “We really need to talk about this.” Mike Binder’s character, Mickey, says it about six times a show.

I need the A.C.L.U. come out with their position on whether women should or should not be allowed to join the Augusta National golf club, just so I know to take the opposite side. A.C.L.U has to be the most accurate reverse barometer since Rush Limbaugh went deefers.

The A.C.L.U. has their hairshirts in a twist over alleged profiling of Arabs at airports. I subscribe to Jay Leno's position on this one: If your first name is Muhammad and your last name ain't Ali, plan to spend a little more time going through security, OK Camel Cruiser? Got it, Disco Dusky? Are we clear, Tablecoth Topper? Any questions, Cabbie Cuckoo? Any problems, Polyester-shirted, hairy-chest bejeweled . . . OK, that's enough, Lex. Down, Thunder. Easy, big fella, put a damper on it.

Speaking of A.C.L.U. time to go cheer for their dyslexic college, U.C.L.A., in the clearest contest of good versus evil since the Chicago Cubs (good) versus the Mets (evil) The Bruins against the U.S.C. (U. of Spoiled Children) Tro (rats) jans. Pop those Trorats, Bruins.

Thursday, November 21, 2002

What's hangin besides Michael Jackson's kid, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

It was hot today. I was sweating like Michael Jackson’s kid in a thirty story hotel suite.

“The Bachelor” Aaron Buerge has had a wild week. Did you hear what happened today? Jennifer Lopez proposed to him.

Multi-millionaire pop singer Madonna had to borrow money in a London restaurant after finding herself short of cash to buy a slice of cake for her son. Times are tough when Madonna is pan-handling. Later they saw the Material girl on a London offramp holding a sign, “Will Hold My Crotch for Food.”

Danny Wuerffel will start Sunday for the Washington Redskins, the fourth quarterback change of the season by coach Steve Spurrier. And if this doesn’t work, next week Spurrier will award the starting quarterback job to the tenth caller.

A news study shows that only 13% of American kids can find Iraq on a map. Don’t worry kids, in a little while Iraq will be easy to spot. Just look for the big glowing hole.

Sean “P Diddy” Holmes says he wants to run for president. What’s his campaign slogan? Vote for me, or I’ll shoot you. You thought the Florida voters were confused before, just wait until they have to try and decide between Sean Combs, P.Diddy, Puffy and Puff Daddy.

Scientists say a government grant will help them try to create a new form of life in the laboratory. That’s great, maybe after they create a life, they can give one to the Los Angeles Lakers. Or maybe after they create a life, they can give one to the democrats.

I got hosed again. “People Magazine” has selected Ben Affleck as the sexiest man of the year. Oh, man and Liza Minelli’s husband David Gest was so close.This has been a tough year for Michael Jackson, first he loses out on People’s sexiest man, and now it’s looking more and more like he might not get Father of the year either.

Did you see that video of Michael Jackson holding his baby over the balcony? I, for one, am not surprised he is reckless with that child, he only had it to use for spare parts anyway.

Did you see the Victoria Secret lingerie special? Iraq is going to do the same thing. Well, sort of, instead of super models in their underwear, they will have camels in provocative burqas.The Victoria’s Secret lingerie show was on CBS . It was so popular that on the simultaneously broadcast "The West Wing” President Bartlett signed legislation instructing everyone to watch the lingerie show. I don’t want to brag, I wrote for that lingerie show. You know that “walk-sexy down the catwalk, pout, and turn around” thing? That was mine. Super models in their underwear. Is this a great country, or what? Why did this take so long for TV executives to come up with this?

“OK, how about accountants in their underwear? No. Umm, plumbers? Traffic cops in their underwear? Hey, this is a wild one, but stay with me, how about super models? Yeah, that might work.”

Tuesday, November 19, 2002

Swing low, sweet Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A damaged tanker carrying more than 20 million gallons of oil broke in two off northwest Spain and sank. What they need to do is get my old Buick out there, that thing could suck up 20 million gallons of oil in no time.

Tiger Woods has dismissed a New York Times Editorial that he should boycott the Masters golf tournament unless they admit women members. Tiger’s right. The New York Times can’t tell Tiger how to play golf like Tiger can’t tell the New York Times how to publish a snotty, pious and mind-crushingly dull newspaper. Jesse Jackson threatened to protest at the Masters if Augusta National doesn't admit women as members. It’s only fair, after all, so many women have admitted Jesse Jackson’s member, err, I mean, as a member.

The London Times reports that Saddam Hussein has made secret plans to take his family and his oil money and move to Libya. It is being billed as; “The Mother of All Slitherings.”

Al-Qaeda has issued another threat towards the U.S. saying there will be more attacks unless we convert to Islam. Or switch to their long distance carrier, either one. That’s one heck of a recruiting approach: join our peace-loving religion . . . or we’ll kill you. They didn’t think this through. Do they really want all Americans to convert to Islam? Do they really want a Starbucks in every Mosque? Do they really want to see a chain of hamburger joints called Allah’s? Do they really want to see an after Ramadan white sale?

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets did an incredible $87 million at the box office from its Friday opening through Sunday. This Harry Potter kid is quite a Wizard, a few more weekends like that and he is going to make Eminem’s “Eight Mile” movie disappear.

That was an ice storm in the East. It was frostier than in the producer meeting at Madonna’s latest movie pitch.

U.S. intelligence has concluded that a new audiotape of Osama bin Laden is authentic. And not only that, but the background vocals are performed by Tito Jackson and David Lee Roth.

What is it with actors getting arrested? Robert Blake, Winona, “Dawson Creek’s” Joshua Johnson and Pee Wee Herman’s Paul Ruebens. And to get in on the act, today Paulie Shore and Tom Arnold rang doorbells and ran. Actors getting arrested is officially out of hand. Today the Beverly Hills police announced they now feature Valet Parking, Shiatsu Massage and a juice bar.

A shark bit a California woman off the shore of a Maui resort, but she bravely swam to safety without being seriously hurt. Everyone’s reaction is the same:; “She was so lucky.” No she wasn’t. The guy sitting on the beach with the winning lottery ticket in his pocket who looked up and said; “Hey, that girl is getting chewed on by a shark.” He was lucky. She got bit by a shark.