Tuesday, November 19, 2002

Swing low, sweet Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A damaged tanker carrying more than 20 million gallons of oil broke in two off northwest Spain and sank. What they need to do is get my old Buick out there, that thing could suck up 20 million gallons of oil in no time.

Tiger Woods has dismissed a New York Times Editorial that he should boycott the Masters golf tournament unless they admit women members. Tiger’s right. The New York Times can’t tell Tiger how to play golf like Tiger can’t tell the New York Times how to publish a snotty, pious and mind-crushingly dull newspaper. Jesse Jackson threatened to protest at the Masters if Augusta National doesn't admit women as members. It’s only fair, after all, so many women have admitted Jesse Jackson’s member, err, I mean, as a member.

The London Times reports that Saddam Hussein has made secret plans to take his family and his oil money and move to Libya. It is being billed as; “The Mother of All Slitherings.”

Al-Qaeda has issued another threat towards the U.S. saying there will be more attacks unless we convert to Islam. Or switch to their long distance carrier, either one. That’s one heck of a recruiting approach: join our peace-loving religion . . . or we’ll kill you. They didn’t think this through. Do they really want all Americans to convert to Islam? Do they really want a Starbucks in every Mosque? Do they really want to see a chain of hamburger joints called Allah’s? Do they really want to see an after Ramadan white sale?

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets did an incredible $87 million at the box office from its Friday opening through Sunday. This Harry Potter kid is quite a Wizard, a few more weekends like that and he is going to make Eminem’s “Eight Mile” movie disappear.

That was an ice storm in the East. It was frostier than in the producer meeting at Madonna’s latest movie pitch.

U.S. intelligence has concluded that a new audiotape of Osama bin Laden is authentic. And not only that, but the background vocals are performed by Tito Jackson and David Lee Roth.

What is it with actors getting arrested? Robert Blake, Winona, “Dawson Creek’s” Joshua Johnson and Pee Wee Herman’s Paul Ruebens. And to get in on the act, today Paulie Shore and Tom Arnold rang doorbells and ran. Actors getting arrested is officially out of hand. Today the Beverly Hills police announced they now feature Valet Parking, Shiatsu Massage and a juice bar.

A shark bit a California woman off the shore of a Maui resort, but she bravely swam to safety without being seriously hurt. Everyone’s reaction is the same:; “She was so lucky.” No she wasn’t. The guy sitting on the beach with the winning lottery ticket in his pocket who looked up and said; “Hey, that girl is getting chewed on by a shark.” He was lucky. She got bit by a shark.