What's hangin besides Michael Jackson's kid, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

It was hot today. I was sweating like Michael Jackson’s kid in a thirty story hotel suite.

“The Bachelor” Aaron Buerge has had a wild week. Did you hear what happened today? Jennifer Lopez proposed to him.

Multi-millionaire pop singer Madonna had to borrow money in a London restaurant after finding herself short of cash to buy a slice of cake for her son. Times are tough when Madonna is pan-handling. Later they saw the Material girl on a London offramp holding a sign, “Will Hold My Crotch for Food.”

Danny Wuerffel will start Sunday for the Washington Redskins, the fourth quarterback change of the season by coach Steve Spurrier. And if this doesn’t work, next week Spurrier will award the starting quarterback job to the tenth caller.

A news study shows that only 13% of American kids can find Iraq on a map. Don’t worry kids, in a little while Iraq will be easy to spot. Just look for the big glowing hole.

Sean “P Diddy” Holmes says he wants to run for president. What’s his campaign slogan? Vote for me, or I’ll shoot you. You thought the Florida voters were confused before, just wait until they have to try and decide between Sean Combs, P.Diddy, Puffy and Puff Daddy.

Scientists say a government grant will help them try to create a new form of life in the laboratory. That’s great, maybe after they create a life, they can give one to the Los Angeles Lakers. Or maybe after they create a life, they can give one to the democrats.

I got hosed again. “People Magazine” has selected Ben Affleck as the sexiest man of the year. Oh, man and Liza Minelli’s husband David Gest was so close.This has been a tough year for Michael Jackson, first he loses out on People’s sexiest man, and now it’s looking more and more like he might not get Father of the year either.

Did you see that video of Michael Jackson holding his baby over the balcony? I, for one, am not surprised he is reckless with that child, he only had it to use for spare parts anyway.

Did you see the Victoria Secret lingerie special? Iraq is going to do the same thing. Well, sort of, instead of super models in their underwear, they will have camels in provocative burqas.The Victoria’s Secret lingerie show was on CBS . It was so popular that on the simultaneously broadcast "The West Wing” President Bartlett signed legislation instructing everyone to watch the lingerie show. I don’t want to brag, I wrote for that lingerie show. You know that “walk-sexy down the catwalk, pout, and turn around” thing? That was mine. Super models in their underwear. Is this a great country, or what? Why did this take so long for TV executives to come up with this?

“OK, how about accountants in their underwear? No. Umm, plumbers? Traffic cops in their underwear? Hey, this is a wild one, but stay with me, how about super models? Yeah, that might work.”