Let's kick it old school, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(More caffeine-fueled musings rather than jokes today)

Today is the big rivalry Saturday: USC vs. UCLA, Ohio State vs. Michigan, Eminem vs. Moby, Russell Crowe, vs. Dennis Quaid, and Christine Aguilera vs. the entire fashion industry.

I am still waiting by the phone for "People" to rescind their sexiest man of the year. Should I probably sit down?

Can you believe that? Ben Affleck "Trivia Question" the sexiest man? The guy always looks like he just got back from Jack in the Box in desperate attempt to try and cure his hangover. Whereas I, on the other hand, am much healthier looking. I look like I just got back from Jamba Juice in a desperate attempt to try and cure my hangover. The typical Tavern sponsored Chicago area softball team has at least two guys better looking than Ben Affleck. Or his boyfriend Matt Damon, for that matter.

What is the deal with Christine Aguilera lately? There are hookers patrolling the Port Authority bus station in New York who are making fun of her latest look. (Or so I've heard) Christine’s fashion choices are scarier than Michael Jackson’s babysitting techniques.

Who is Tony Soprano going to whack this week? Personally, I am pulling for the entire cast of HBO’s “Mind of the Married Man.” (Well, except for maybe Bobby Slayton) That show started out great, but now it should be re-named “Mind of the Terminally P.W.'d and, or, Sleazy.” It’s a male mid-life crisis version of if “Sex and the City” mated with the old eighties embarrassment and whining-fest “Thirty Something” minus the funny shoe jokes. Note to the writer of “Mind of the Married Man:” Never in the recorded history since matrimony has existed has a husband ever said to his wife; “We really need to talk about this.” Mike Binder’s character, Mickey, says it about six times a show.

I need the A.C.L.U. come out with their position on whether women should or should not be allowed to join the Augusta National golf club, just so I know to take the opposite side. A.C.L.U has to be the most accurate reverse barometer since Rush Limbaugh went deefers.

The A.C.L.U. has their hairshirts in a twist over alleged profiling of Arabs at airports. I subscribe to Jay Leno's position on this one: If your first name is Muhammad and your last name ain't Ali, plan to spend a little more time going through security, OK Camel Cruiser? Got it, Disco Dusky? Are we clear, Tablecoth Topper? Any questions, Cabbie Cuckoo? Any problems, Polyester-shirted, hairy-chest bejeweled . . . OK, that's enough, Lex. Down, Thunder. Easy, big fella, put a damper on it.

Speaking of A.C.L.U. time to go cheer for their dyslexic college, U.C.L.A., in the clearest contest of good versus evil since the Chicago Cubs (good) versus the Mets (evil) The Bruins against the U.S.C. (U. of Spoiled Children) Tro (rats) jans. Pop those Trorats, Bruins.