Saturday, October 12, 2002

Rub some funk on it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Today is Bill and Hillary Clinton’s 27th wedding anniversary. Hillary surprised Bill with a video of their wedding reception. She introduced it as; “My Big Fat Cheat’s Wedding.”

A smuggler is facing a jail term after traveling 17 hours on a flight from Thailand to Los Angeles with two monkeys hiding in his underpants. If given a choice, I think I would rather sit next to a guy with bombs in his shoes than monkeys in his underpants. In a related story, five bands are currently fighting over who gets to re-name themselves: Monkeys in My Underpants. It was on a Delta flight. The flight attendant asked him; “Excuse me, are those monkeys in your underpants or do you just really love to fly and it shows?”

That’s the big health news right now. 64% of Americans are either overweight or obese. In fact, Osama bin Laden’s latest strategy to get rid of Americans: Twinkies. 70% of Americans do not exercise. In defense of that 70%, technically they do exercise, when it comes to working-out, they exercise restraint.

Australian scientists have discovered that a lemon can be effectively used as a contraceptive. This is a lot more practical and comfortable for women than their earlier fruit contraceptive idea: A cored pineapple.

Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter won the Nobel Peace Prize on Friday. In addition, he was also the first president, ahead of George W. Bush, to pronounce the word nuclear as nuke-uh-ler.

Subway rates in New York City are going up to $2 per token. At these prices, New Yorkers are actually considering urinating in their bathroom at home.

The attack on the French tanker in Yemen has now been determined to be a terrorist attack. Really? What a surprise. A terrorist attack in Yemen is about as shocking as rain in Seattle.

We have guests for the weekend. I like having guests, especially nice ones, like we do. Plus it forces me to clean up my office. When you have guests you live a lot more like you want people to think you live than the way you actually do. For example, much restraint is used in using the bathrooms. For some reason, you want your guests to think you a phenom of nature that has evolved past the need to relieve yourself. And meals are far differant:

"Oh, really? No, we have pheasant under glass every Friday night."

Yeah right, more like Dominoes under a cardboard box.

Wednesday, October 09, 2002

Gay* Characters in cartoon and children shows observation, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

*Not that there is a thing wrong with it . . .

Have you seen the hot new kid’s cartoon “Sponge Bob Square Pants”? It is big in the gay community because they claim one of the characters, Squidward, is gay. It might be true. Squidward was seen leaving a trendy San Francisco restaurant holding hands with the purple Teletubby Tinky Winky.

Remember when Reverand Falwell accused the Teletubby character Tinky Winky of being gay? When they asked Falwell whey he thought Tinky Winky was gay Falwell said;

“Why just look at the provocative way he walks, those pretty little eyes and that sexy little butt of his . . . I’m sorry, what were we talking about?”

And why was Wiley Coyote after the roadrunner so desperately? Gay.

Gay cartoon characters are nothing new and there isn’t anything wrong with it. Remember Popeye? Come on, the guy was a vegetarian sailor whose motto was “I am what I am”; he had an S&M thing with Brutus; Popeye talked all-butch when people were around, but in private he had that Richard Simmons-like “eak eak eak eak eak” laugh.

I mean, seriously, did anyone really believe Popeye was attracted to Olive Oil? The woman had zero breasts. And his kid Swee Pea? Adopted.

There are a ton of children show gay characters. Mr. Rodgers? Please. He wasn’t married, he wore cardigan sweaters and was the neatest human on the planet. Can you say;
“He likes show tunes”? Sure you can.

Don’t even get me started on Rocky and Bullwinkle. Boris Badinoff wasn’t a spy, he was homophobic.

Remember Sherman and Mr. Peabody? Weird Priest-like and alter boy dynamic there. Let’s just say the machine wasn’t the only thing that went way back, if you know what I mean . . .

Batman started out as a children’s comic book. Now I liked Batman, but who are we kidding? They just don’t come any gayer than Batman and Robin. (Robin, for crying-out-loud.) A single millionaire who wears a cape and tights who hangs out with his “young ward” named Dick? “Young ward” has to be a euphemism for bitch.

No folks, a gay character on “Square Bob Sponge Pants” is nothing new. It is simply carrying out a long and storied and probably harmless tradition of putting gay male characters into children stories and shows.

Next week? Why Christopher Robin really named his little bear friend Pooh.

Tuesday, October 08, 2002

Word up, you know how we do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It was hot again today. I was sweating like an Enron executive who dropped the soap in the prison shower.

Finally some good news for Nick Nolte after his drunk driving arrest and that scary mug shot. Today Nolte got a lead film role. The bad news? It’s for “Bum Fights.”

My beloved Chicago Bears lost to the Green Bay Packers 34-21. This year Chicago’s home field is being renovated, so the Bears have to play their home games a two-and-a-half-hour drive to the South away. How far is that? This year they are actually called the Carolina Bears.

Barry Bonds finally came through in a playoff game as the San Francisco Giants eliminated the Atlanta Braves to advance to the NLCS. The normally aloof Bonds was elated. The after- game steroids were on him.

New York's Museum of Sex, an adults-only institution that takes a journey through the city's sexual landscape over the centuries, opened to the public on Saturday. Bill Clinton took his Harlem office staff there for a field trip.

Winona Ryder’s trial has been pushed back to October 15th. The prosecutor was set to go, but he had to ask for a continuance, because once he got in court with Winona, for some reason he couldn’t find his briefcase. It just disappeared. It was weird. Anyway, Ryder wanted time to take advantage of the pre-Halloween sales.

The General Accounting Office reports that Navy personnel used government credit cards to hire prostitutes at brothels. Apparently some Navy staff officers misunderstood when they were told to show their seaman a good time. This explains the Navy's new ad: Why settle for videos when you can have the real thing? How dumb do you have to be to use a military credit card at a brothel?

“Petty Officer Smith, could you explain this charge at Madam Pussycat’s? And what’s this extra one hundred buck “Happy Ending” fee?

In his address to the nation, President Bush called Saddam Hussein a “Homicidal Dictator” You have to give Bush credit, he is learning on the job. Five years ago, he would have thought Homicidal Dictator was the name of a San Francisco gay leather bar.