Saturday, October 12, 2002

Rub some funk on it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Today is Bill and Hillary Clinton’s 27th wedding anniversary. Hillary surprised Bill with a video of their wedding reception. She introduced it as; “My Big Fat Cheat’s Wedding.”

A smuggler is facing a jail term after traveling 17 hours on a flight from Thailand to Los Angeles with two monkeys hiding in his underpants. If given a choice, I think I would rather sit next to a guy with bombs in his shoes than monkeys in his underpants. In a related story, five bands are currently fighting over who gets to re-name themselves: Monkeys in My Underpants. It was on a Delta flight. The flight attendant asked him; “Excuse me, are those monkeys in your underpants or do you just really love to fly and it shows?”

That’s the big health news right now. 64% of Americans are either overweight or obese. In fact, Osama bin Laden’s latest strategy to get rid of Americans: Twinkies. 70% of Americans do not exercise. In defense of that 70%, technically they do exercise, when it comes to working-out, they exercise restraint.

Australian scientists have discovered that a lemon can be effectively used as a contraceptive. This is a lot more practical and comfortable for women than their earlier fruit contraceptive idea: A cored pineapple.

Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter won the Nobel Peace Prize on Friday. In addition, he was also the first president, ahead of George W. Bush, to pronounce the word nuclear as nuke-uh-ler.

Subway rates in New York City are going up to $2 per token. At these prices, New Yorkers are actually considering urinating in their bathroom at home.

The attack on the French tanker in Yemen has now been determined to be a terrorist attack. Really? What a surprise. A terrorist attack in Yemen is about as shocking as rain in Seattle.

We have guests for the weekend. I like having guests, especially nice ones, like we do. Plus it forces me to clean up my office. When you have guests you live a lot more like you want people to think you live than the way you actually do. For example, much restraint is used in using the bathrooms. For some reason, you want your guests to think you a phenom of nature that has evolved past the need to relieve yourself. And meals are far differant:

"Oh, really? No, we have pheasant under glass every Friday night."

Yeah right, more like Dominoes under a cardboard box.