Friday, November 03, 2017

You have to have cojones full of bolognese to fly the Interwebbienet, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Happy National Sandwich Day. Have you heard of the Paul Manafort sandwich? It’s a bunch of cheesy bologna that’s on anything but a roll.

There was an awkward moment at the parade for the Houston Astros when they told Jose Altuve he wasn't tall enough to ride on the float.

A Chicago man shot himself in the penis after he robbed a hotdog stand. It could have been worse. He could have robbed a ballroom. 

It has been a rough year for the  0-8 Cleveland Browns. The Cleveland Browns’ youngest kid fans are being told by their parents that the Dog Pound was sent to live on a farm.

Donald Trump is under fire for not vetting Paul Manafort. It was awkward when Trump replied, “Why should I vet? I don’t have a dog.”

A rogue Twitter employee took down Donald Trump’s account for 11 minutes. That Twitter employee is being considered for the Congressional medal of honor. 

Donald Trump has begun a 12-day trip to Asia. The goal in the 12-day trip to Asia is to be able to teach Trump how to pronounce “China.”

A Twitter employee on his last day took down Donald Trump’s Twitter account for 11 minutes. Or as Trump calls that 11 minutes: “That scary time.” 

Donald Trump said he did not remember a long meeting with a top campaign staffer, George Papadopoulos. Trump really does have the best memory. The kind that only remembers what he wants.

Donald Trump tweeted a congratulations to the Houston Astros for winning the World Series. It was awkward when Trump said the team was named after his favorite cartoon space dog. 

Donald Trump said he did not remember top campaign staffer, George Papadopoulos. Don’t confuse Papadopoulos with “Good Morning America’s” George Stephanopoulos. But if you combine Stephanopoulos and Papadopoulos, you get PleaseStopPapa’sPoleDance.

Starbucks is now offering holiday cups that their customers can color. That’s almost as good an idea as letting customers write their own correctly-spelled names.

Donald Trump cannot wait to invite the Houston Astros to the White House. They’re named after Trump’s favorite cartoon space dog. 

Donald Trump denied knowing George Papadopoulos. Here is a list of some things the name Papadopoulos has been mistaken for:

Papa’s pole dance

Papa’s a Galapagos (Sorry. That’s just Larry King’s kids)

Papyrus Polo Dabber

Platypus Proliferator  

Pope On Top Of Us (Sorry, that is a fantasy of two Vatican nuns) 

Topo Gigio Puppeteer 

Papa John’s Pizza Puker. 

Paul Manafort Poopy Diaper

Poppy Pinched a Pooper (Sorry, that is for the relatives of George H.W. Bush) 

Since you asked:

Here is a fun and touching memory from working on Wall Street I call,

“Lex Worked On Wall Street.”

One summer on the trading floor, there was lull for a few days due to everyone, traders and us brokers, waiting for economic figures from the Federal Reserve's money supply to come out.

In a boredom that can only be compared to a tall ship stranded for a week in dead calm on the Indian Ocean, we went four days with nary a phone ringing. Nary a ring.

One of the best brokers and biggest characters, a large snaggle-toothed, pock-faced, chain-smoking, heavy-drinking Irishman named Tom O’Connor, whom everyone affectionately called Tock, started reading out-loud, in his smoke-rasp voice, from “Penthouse Forum.”

"Dear Penthouse:

My girlfriend enjoys giving me oral sex, but she hates the taste of my sperm. Is there anything I can do?


Spews Bad News”

And "Penthouse" responded,

“Dear Spews:

This is your lucky day. Drinking pineapple juice will directly and  significantly sweeten the taste of your semen.”

The next day, when lunch was delivered by the local delis, there were over two cases of pineapple juice cans. 

Our boss and the owner of the company, a six-five, volatile financial genius, named Hilliard, lost his mind. 

“Who the hell ordered all of this goddamn pineapple juice?” 

The office manager, an old Jersey guy named Lenny, ran up to Hill and whispered the explanation in his ear complete with the Bayonne accompanying hand gestures.

Slowly, Hill turned around, with his back to us, and started shaking his huge shoulders with suppressed laughter. Finally he turns around and yells to the whole trading floor,

“As if anyone is going to blow you stupid assholes.”

And thus ends another heartwarming and tender story of “Lex Worked On Wall Street.”