Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Sloane's Slip

You cain't say Wally without smilin', Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

ESPN reports taunting calls in the NFL are up 220%. To which the Cleveland Browns asked, “What’s taunting?” 

After the Paris robbery, Kim Kardashian’s assistant said Kim is going to take some time off. Here’s my question: how does someone who is on a luxury vacation all-year- round take time off? Is Kim going to commute to a 9-5 job in a cubicle?

Melania Trump told CNN’s Anderson Cooper the women accusing Donald Trump of sexual assault are lying. That or she said, “All the cumin accessing atonal ramps of serial somersaults are leaning.”

Melania Trump claimed Donald Trump was egged on by Billy Bush to brag about grabbing pussy. Remember the good ol’ days when Michael Dukakis lost an election by riding in a tank in a helmet looking like Snoopy?

NBC fired Billy Bush over the crude Trump bus banter.  So, in other words, the “Today” show got a Brazilian wax job. They got rid of Bush. 

“The Santa Barbara News-Press” became the first daily newspaper to endorse Donald Trump. Now why would a newspaper in a town of really rich old conservative white people endorse . . . never mind. 

The Cleveland Browns put safety, Jordan Poyer, on injured reserve with a lacerated kidney. Or as the other Cleveland Browns call Poyer: That lucky bastard.

To be blunt, I am surprised Donald Trump admitted to Billy Bush Nancy O’Dell would not have sex with him. He lies about everything else. 

Interesting stories emerging from the Donald Trump-Billy Bush bus tape. Did you know, after hitting on Nancy O’Dell, Trump consulted a proctologist and a primatologist? He wanted to find out the odds of monkeys flying out of his butt because that is when O'Dell said she would sleep with him. 

Ferris Bueller's Timeline Off

Big fan of the John Hughes movie “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” but, as a suburban Chicago boy, I have some notes. 

First of all, bless his heart, Ferris Bueller is not a suburban Chicago cool kid. Bill (Loyola) Murray is a real suburban Chicago cool kid. Vince (Lake Forrest) Vaughn is a real suburban Chicago cool kid. Liz (NTE*) Phair is a real suburban Chicago cool kid. Adam “Not one of those” (NTE) Baldwin was a real suburban Chicago cool kid. Virginia (NTE) Madson is a suburban Chicago cool kid. John (E*) Cusak and Jeremy (E) Piven I thought were real suburban Chicago cool kids until I found out they were theater arts dweebs who turned into huge celebrity “Talk to my assistant” diva a-holes. 

Ferris Bueller was not a suburban Chicago cool kid, he was a rare creature: a popular hipster computer nerd. The home computer in the mid eighties? The beret? The rat pack outfit?  A Simple Minds poster? Charlie Sheen’s juvie/smoking-area character in the jail waiting room was way closer to a real suburban Chicago cool kid. 

However, Ferris is way ahead of his time as a hipster computer geek, so that is cool. My real problem with “FBDO” is bad clock management. Anyone? Anyone? 

It takes quite a while for Ferris to fake his parents with his illness and wrestle ultra nerd Cameron off his death bed. And then even longer to get the ultra babe Sloane (Why is she British?) Peterson out of her class and go pick her up. It has to be 11 AM when they finally take a hit of LSD (Lake Shore Drive) 

Over a half-hour drive South and then they park it with the psychos who confirm worst ethnic stereotypes, hit the Sears tower, the commodity exchange at the Merc, the Art Institute and then lunch at Chez Paul’s.  (Don't forget all the time they spent out-smarting the snippy Maitre D) All of those combined, traveling to and from, would have to take four hours. After arriving downtown around noon.

How in hell do they make a 1:00 PM Cubs game?  Anyone? Anyone? 

Chicago isn’t LA where people show up in the fourth inning and leave in the sixth. They cut your nuts off if you do that in Wrigley Field. No. Really. They cut them. Off. 

Point is, no self-respecting Cubs fan would get to a Cubs game late. And leave early. 

And then, after the game, they have Ferris invent Karaoke (thanks a lot for that, Ferris) in the middle of a parade. And then drive home, stopping by Lake Michigan in Kenilworth while Cameron goes comatose over the mileage. Sloane’s pool for a dip. (Drooling like Homer Simpson. “Ahhhh, Sloane’s wet slip.” By the way, they are at Sloane’s house. Why didn’t that British tart go inside and get a swimsuit?) And then to Cameron’s house to get rid of the miles and destroy the garage and car. 

All of this happens way before it gets dark in the Spring during early June? 


(Just checked, and it turns out the sunset in June in Chicago is a very late 8:30. OK, so that might work) 

Point is, that is a solid three days of activities. Anyone with any soul would have to spend an entire afternoon at the Art Institute alone. Hell, I know people who lived near Chicago their entire lives and they have never done all of those things.

Come to think of it, I am one of them. No parade karaoke, no watching commodities trading at the Merc. Everything else I’ve done, including trashing a red sports car. 

So what, you ask, is my point?

Go Cubbies. 

* E is Evanston and NTE is New Trier East. 

Here is my bucket list of Chicago stuff not covered in "FBDO"

SUP on Chicago River or Lake Michigan

Centennial Park

Blues Fest

Visit Chase Records

Blues at Kingston Mines

The Webber Grill Restaurant

Speaking of the Cubs:

It is important, going into a big playoff game, to have nicknames for your key players. Some are mine, some are borrowed. The point is you have to have them. Feel free to use mine or make up your own.

Anthony “Rizz-Bone” Rizzo

Kris “K-Bear” or “B-Man” Bryant

Addison “Street” Russell

Javy “Not Joan” Baez

Jason “Hey Weird” Hayward

Jake “The Pirate” Arrieta.

Kyle “Jimi” Hendricks

Jon “Fester” Lester

Ben Zobrist “As a judge”

Aroldis “Chappy” Chapman

David “Boss” Ross

Jorge Soler “Energy”

Dexter “Dexty Fow-Fow” or “Serial Killer” Fowler

Travis “We got” Wood

Miguel “Mig Jet” Montero

Wilson “Wilson!” Contreras (Yelling it like Tom “Castaway” Hanks) 

Joe “Maddog” Madden.