May is National Masturbation Month. Please don’t say you gave at the office.

There is an app that tells brides if someone hasn’t purchased anything from their registry. The app is called: “What poor bastard is marrying this greedy, passive-aggressive bitch?”

Of the three announced republican candidates, only one does not speak Spanish, Ted Cruz. Cruz’s Spanish is so bad, he cannot pronounce his first name: Rafael.

A Cornell doctor claims access to Internet porn is damaging American lives. “Tell us about it,” said the publishers of “Hustler,” “Playboy” and “Penthouse.”

Yesterday was National Honesty Day, this month, May, is National Masturbation Month. Thank god the two didn’t overlap.

A man in an Ohio Chic-fil-A accidentally shot himself in the leg in the bathroom. He’s OK. Sadly, the bullet was the healthiest thing to go inside a customer at the Chic-fil-A.