Friday, April 03, 2015

Laird (Lamber Bamber) pulling a backside, layback soup rider like a Bossss

Define definition, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

37-year-old, Louis Jordan, was lost at sea for 66 days until he was found off the North Carolina coast. His first words upon being rescued were; “Is Bruce Jenner still a man or is he a woman?”

A poll shows 50% of voters in Ohio, Pennsylvania and Florida do not trust Hillary Clinton. That number could be worse, but many responded to the poll via e-mails that Hillary erased.

Indiana lawmakers claim they will try to tweak the “Religious Freedom” law so it does not discriminate against gay people. They’re going to take out the part that makes hosting “Downton Abbey” themed brunches illegal.

Matthew McConaughey is being paid $135,000 to give a commencement speech at the University of Houston. That sounds expensive, but a lot of that money goes to McConaughey’s speech writer: Charlie Manson.

Burger King has launched their new Whopper-scented cologne called “Flame Grilled.” Much better name than their first name idea: Ode To Bad Choices.

Monica Lewinski is being considered as a host on “The View.” Some think she could do well, others are worried she’ll suck. (What? We all thought it)

Since you asked:

Here are the various techniques I have tried to grill the perfect steak:

(Always let it rest to room temperature, drizzle with olive oil, rub with sea salt, fresh ground pepper and finely ground coffee)

1, Sear two minutes a side on the infrared searing panels on the gas grill, finish on indirect heat, three minutes a side. (Use a smoker box with soaked chipped oak from Jack Daniels casks)

2, Using a cast iron skillet with ribbed lines for grill marks, sear two minutes a side, finish in the oven at 400 degrees for six minutes or so.

3, Using a Weber grill with lump oak charcoal, sear for two minutes a side, remove and let rest, drizzle more olive oil and add more salt. Finish on indirect heat.

And my favorite way to cook/grill a steak:

4, (Nod to Argentina)  Weber grill, lump oak charcoal. Cook on indirect heat for three minutes a side. Remove, let rest, drizzle olive oil again and more salt. Finish on the fire searing two minutes a side. Smother with roasted garlic butter.

Again, the common denominators? A good steak. Let it get to room temperature. Drizzle or even marinate with olive oil. Rub of sea salt, fresh ground pepper and French roast coffee. And then any combination of sear, indirect heat – or oven – and rest.

 Boner Mots

Anyone who doesn’t understand the insanity involved in cocaine addiction, look no further than the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, La Habra, Huntington Beach and parts of Buena Park’s Josh Hamilton. The guy fell off the wagon and went on a binge that could have cost him $23 million for the season. (It didn’t)

Hope Colorado State’s Garrett Grayson goes high in the draft. He will do well if his collarbone isn’t a real problem.

Florida State’s PJ Williams in trouble again and arrested for a DUI right before the draft. PJ just saved some team a suitcase load of cash.

Move over Wisconsin bandwagon, I am a Frank “The Tank” Kaminsky fan and I am climbing on board. (Not good news for Badger fans. I have been a team killer)

How do you know if Matthew McConaughey likes a woman on Tinder? He swipes all right, all right, all right.

Attention Santa Barbara peeps. (No, not the Easter candy kind) They just re-asphalted the street in front of my office, and smell is bringing back fond memories of my Del Player apartment in Isla Vista.

Every now and again life rears up and dough-pops you in the chops to remind you how unfair it is. Like when you watch the Travel Channel or the Food Network and it shows people getting paid beaucoup bucks to eat, drink and travel.

One of the worst examples of this was when Matthew McConaughey got some studio execs to agree to outfit him with a plush Airstream to travel around the California coast to surf and promote his movie “Surfer Dude.” Which bombed.

Got that? The studio had already paid McConkhead untold millions to surf in a movie and then they paid him on top of that to travel around and surf to promote the movie with a camera crew following him around. The closest thing he did to work was pull up at a theater showing his crap movie and shake hands while downing a margarita the size of his giant head.

Dear Hollywood Studio Heads:

Finance me on a trip with an Airstream and a camera crew, and I will film what it’s like to travel up and down the great little California coastal towns with my adorable Golden Doodle, Wally, to Stand Up Paddle Surf and do Stand Up Comedy – as well as sitting in bar bands on harmonica. 

It will be called “Stand Up Guy.” 

Your money will result in a hilarious documentary which includes tips on Stand Up Surfing and stand up comedy, as well as a fantastic coffee table book on the best bars, restaurants and surf spots for us fit, young-at-heart, middle-age folks to go in California. 

Wally will steal the show. 

Show stealing Wally

It will also feature grilling tips and additional comedy bits, like hidden camera pranks, as well as interviews of the wild personalities I meet along the way. Think a hipper John Steinbeck's "Travels with Charlie" with a comedy writer/surfer instead of a legendary alcoholic writer. 

We don’t have much time, I want to launch by June.