Friday, April 11, 2014

There is a picture of surfing legend, Kelly Slater, surfing in Australia right next to a shark in the wave he is riding; in fact, if Slater continues to work that closely with sharks, he will need to get his law degree.

A Houston jury has convicted a woman for killing her boyfriend with a 5 ½ inch stiletto heel. This type of heinous crime comes as a shock to nobody who has witnessed a women’s shoe sale.

The CIA admitted to blasting Red Hot Chili Pepper songs to torture terrorist prisoners. They were going to use Justin Bieber’s songs, but the United Nations deemed that cruel and unusual punishment.

UConn beat Kentucky to win the NCAA men’s basketball championship, but there are reposts of UConn students rioting. Well, it's Connecticut, so not really rioting, but they were bursting into Starbucks and stealing people's drinks. 

Texas Ranger, Josh Hamilton, is out 8 weeks with a torn thumb after diving head-first into first base. Diving head-first into first is the second dumbest thing you can do in all of sports. The first being signing a long-term contract with the New York Mets. 

Things that have to change right now
No dweebs calling in rule infractions at golf tournaments. That is why the Masters has no Tiger this year - in my opinion.
No soliciting in or out of grocery stores.
No more mobile monuments to human trash and bad parenting that are those grocery carts with the giant plastic car in front.
No more Instant Replay officials taking so damn long. Just call someone who is watching the replay on TV.
No more sliding into first base. If it was faster Olympic sprinters would do it.
Enough with the kale.
If on Facebook, you’re the political rant person, or the motivational sayings person or the look-at-my-meal person or the vacation-bragging person, or cat video person or the dancing grandma person, stop it. Stop it now. (Endless postings of my cute pictures of my puppy Wally? They can continue unabated)
The Red Hot Chili Peppers are the last band that look like they’re made up of the cool kids in high school. And they’re in the RR Hall of Fame. Less hipster dweeb bands, more cool kid bands.
Time Warner. There has to be someone who can correct the endless misdialing of a channel. You type in three numbers and it only reads two. Ten times in a row. Don’t any of you Time Warner a-holes actually watch it?
Love Jimmy Fallon, but we have to have him book a guest he flat out doesn’t like (maybe Bruce Jenner) instead of the endless stream of guests he loves, they are so great, so talented, so nice, so funny, so cool, we love this person. Did I mention we love this person?
Texting and talking on a hand-held iPhone is still illegal, right? How about giving someone a ticket who does it for once?
People who think people who honk at them when they don’t go at green lights are rude? It is because your head is down and you are typing a text or dialing a phone with no idea the light has changed. Used to give these selfish douches three seconds before the horn- tap, now it is just down to two seconds. Was riding shotgun with a soccer mom. We were at the light, it changed, she had her head down and was texting. The car in back of us briefly honked for her to go, she looks in the rear view mirror right as the light is changing yellow and says;

“Uh, people are just soooooo rude.”