Thursday, February 06, 2014

Things I already hate about the Sochi Olympics and they haven’t started yet:

Why does one of our ice dancing skaters look like Jar-Jar Binks?

Why do our opening ceremony sweaters look like Ralph Lauren and Bill Cosby threw up on them? Worse Olympic outfit since the velour 1984 Levi warm ups.

Why do some of the events – like Slopestyle – resemble sports we invented in Illinois in the winter because we were bored? Skeleton? “Bet you won’t go down this hill on this cooking trey.” Curling? "Hey, let's play shuffleboard with big rocks."

Why does everything in Sochi look so, boorish, bland, scary, or in other words, so Putin-ey?

Why aren’t we making more jokes about Putin’s name?

This isn't an Olympic thing, but why do my Kirkland Organic Chocolate Reduced Fat cartons have little brown boners on them?

If the Winter Olympics are so tough, why do the same people keep winning? Shaun White. Shani Davis. Bodi Miller. Lindsay Vonn before she got hurt. Hell, they had to pass a hat to get Apollo Ohno to retire because it was getting embarrassing. 

Why didn’t anyone get my “That Olympic city is Sochi Tea” joke?

Let's talk about the giant, white elephant in the Winer Olympic Village. Besides the exception that proves the rule, Shani Davis, winter Olympic sports are very white and upper classy. 

Slopestyle skier, Nick Goepper, was born with a gift for skiing and also the passion to do well. The problem? He lived in Southern Indiana. Until his parents basically decided to give up their lives for his, he did not stand a chance. Goepper's parents mortgaged their lives to get him to the Olympic training venue in Oregon.

The greatest skier in Wisconsin could not finish a race at Mammoth Mountain, CA. Unless you have time and money to work with a specific few coaches who train at expensive resorts in the Sierras, Rockies or Vermont, you have no chance. Until you win and get sponsors, the amount of time needed to train and the expense of the equipment is huge. 

Guess what I am saying is, in winter sports,  you're just not going to get a Joe Namath or a Gale Sayers, an amazing athlete from a poor family, to grow up and be a Winter Olympian.

Shaun White's parents were far from rich, but he made so much money skateboarding as a kid, he could afford to train for snowboarding.

The Sochi tap water is brown. The snow is man-made. The hotels are ugly and unfinished. The toilets don't work. The venues are dangerous. Isn't it painfully obvious the I.O.C. took a huge, huge bribe from the Russian mob to issue the games to Sochi?

All that being said, I will fall in love with this Olympics like I always do. There will be new and amazing stories presented by the pleasant and professional Bob Costas.