Friday, July 12, 2013

Snatch it back and holds it, baby, one more time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

San Francisco Giant reliever, Chad Gaudin, was arrested and charged with open and gross lewdness when he was drunk and fondled a woman at a hospital; who does this guy think he is? A New England Patriot? 

New England Patriot safety, Alfonzo Dennard, was arrested for drunk driving; man, between him and Aaron Henandez, these guys know how to put the riot in Patriot.

It has been weeks and that little NSA snitch, Edward Snowden, is still cowering in the Moscow airport; it is so bad, at this rate, Snowdon could suffer a serious Cinnabon overdose.

In Pittsburgh, a man got arrested at a Taylor Swift concert for holding up a sign that said “Taylor Swift is with Satan.” The man was not charged and was released with a warning: “Don’t do that again, Justin Bieber.”

An Oklahoma woman was sentenced to 25-years in prison for hiding a loaded gun in her vagina with the handle sticking out; police examined her and she appeared to be going off half-cocked.

Since you asked:

It is amazing how teams have personalities. And they seem to always mimic that iconic player who personified that team.

The New York Yankees are a perfect melding of the slick style of Joe DiMaggio and the burly crassness of a hard-drinking lady’s man in both Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle.

The Chicago Bears will always be a combination of Mike Ditka and Dick Butkus. That’s what made Brian Urlacher such a classic and great Bear. Broad shoulders, crew cut, thick Chicago accent, Midwestern hard-working values and the love of hitting someone. Hard.

The Chicago Cubs? A perfect combination of the smooth, laid-back friendly charm of Ernie Banks combined with the hard-working Ron Santo, complete with Ronnie’s thick Chicago accent.

The San Diego Chargers will always be that dashing bearded-gunslinger and body surfer, Dan Fouts.

Some teams’ personality is not having a personality. The Marlins, Miami Heat, Houston Texans, White Sox, Diamondbacks and Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim with a little West Covina and Azusa thrown in come to mind.

For both good and bad, the Ravens will always be Ray Lewis.

Oakland Raiders will always be Kenny Stabler. Dallas Cowboys? Don Meredith. (Sorry Staubach)

US Olympic Track team? Steve Prefontaine, Lee Evans and Bob Seagren. Green Bay Packers? Exact combination of Alabama clean-cut boy, Bart Starr, and handsome and wildly charming Paul Hornung. Their Southern charm fit in perfectly in Wisconsin. 

The San Francisco Forty Niners combine the personality of their city, along with the awesome smell of boiling shrimp and crabs, sourdough bread and burning cable car brakes, and the awesome spookiness of Alcatraz along with the cool-guy- mentality of both Joe “Cool” Montana and the golfer, John Brodie and the graceful Jerry Rice.

San Francisco Giants will always be Willy Mays before he turned into such a bitter old man.   

Another team that has the personality of its city? The Milwaukee Brewers.

One team specifically had a personality and has since lost it. The New York Jets were all about Joe Willy Namath, but now, with Rex and Sanchez, they are silly green and white clowns.

New York Giants are an exact combination of Frank Gifford and Lawrence Taylor.

Los Angeles Dodgers will always smack of Don Drysdale and Sandy Kofax with that awesome red number. The Lakers are Magic and Jerry West, in that order. San Diego Padres? Tony Gwynn. Which is not a whole lot of personality.