Monday, June 17, 2013

You know what I don't like about this picture? Yeah, I have no idea either...

They jacked-up on the whacked-up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West had a baby girl; Kim’s labor lasted six hours, creating the first time the words Kim Kardashian and labor have ever been used together.

Tiger Woods imploded on Saturday at the US Open. In fact, Tiger went down faster than Michael Douglass.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West had a baby girl; Kris Jenner is delighted to be a grandmother again and Bruce Jenner is happy to be that scary great Aunt.

The couple issued a statement to the Paparazzi that they respect their wishes and invade their privacy as much as possible.

Hooters offered dads 10 free chicken wings on Father’s Day; nothings says Happy Father’s Day like taking dad to Hooters to let him know he was a distant, absent and unloving father.

At the US Open at Merion, Sergio Garcia was heckled for his fried chicken remarks towards Tiger Woods; you have to remember this is golf heckling, the worst it gets is: “That shirt doesn’t go with your pants.” And, “Your sister is very popular.”

At the Miss USA pageant, Miss Utah, Marissa Powell, was asked about the male-female income disparity, she said; “We need to create education better.” Another contestant responded; “That’s embarrassing. Everyone knows we need to create education goodlier.” 

Lex Becomes White House Spokesperson:

On the Benghazi cover-up? We screwed that up. Instead of kissing terrorist’s butts and worrying about offending a group of terrorists who are so pissed off they want to kill us, we should focus on keeping the people happy who want to stop terrorists. Benghazi was a planned terrorist attack, not a random riot. We won’t make that mistake again.

The NSA leak? Get over it. If the NSA did not use our Internet traffic, e-mails and phone calls to track terrorists, then we would have something to worry about. If you’re embarrassed about something you sent or logged on to? Don’t do it anymore. Your privacy is not more important than saving lives.  Period.

IRS scandal? If I name my group “We Like To Rob Banks”, I am pretty sure the FBI will take notice. It works the same way with a tax-exempt political groups whose main purpose is not to pay taxes. Now, as far as the IRS officials spending lavishly? That stops now. The IRS executive who spent $1,500 on a hotel suite? He is going to pay that back. Lois Lerner? She is so fired. Better yet. Move her desk into the supply room like Milton on “Office Space” and stop issuing her pay checks.

AP spying? Who cares? Not even the AP really cares. Next?

Lex, how can you be so cynical as to suggest the Tiger Woods/Lindsay Vonn relationship is a P.R. stunt?

Let me see. What could stop Tiger's sleazy reputation as a Waffle House Waitress chasing horny hound than a serious relationship with another world class athlete who happens to resemble his ex-wife? What could garner more free publicity for both? 

NBC broadcasts Tiger's golf tournaments. NBC broadcasts Vonn's Olympics. At one point we see a concerned Vonn watching Tiger's US Open chances going down faster than Michael Douglas. Next we see a commercial promoting Vonn in Socha. 

Please. Do not urinate on my leg and tell me it is raining. 

Suddenly Tiger's advertising revenue is almost back to where it was before Slutty Socialites-Gate. 

What gets old is Tiger's attempts at conning us. He and IMG, Nike, Rolex, Buick, et al wanted us to believe Tiger was a Jack Nicklaus-like great Dad and husband. He was never anything close to that in terms of class. Never will be. 

What Tiger's handlers cannot seem to grasp is it is not possible to take a non-Alpha male stud and turn him into an Alpha male stud. Anyone who has seen a Steven Seagal movie can attest to that. 

Tiger is a flatulent, surly, tube-sock-wearing dork from smoggy Cypress named Eldrick who was a loser with women, but is now in the enviable position of being a super star who can get almost any girl he wants thanks to his fame and wealth courtesy of his other-worldly golf skills.

Did you see how sloppy drunk Tiger got when he had to go to the red carpet affair in New York with Lindsay Vonn? Did he look like a guy who wanted to be there or do that? Anyone? Bueller?

Let's face it. Tattaglia was a pimp. He could never have out-fought Santino. It was Barzini all along. Tiger Woods is Tattaglia, not Barzini. (You wondered where I was going with that wild dismount, but like Anne  Lamont, I stuck the landing) 

We can forgive anything but a hypocrite. Look at Charlie Sheen. He is rich and famous and likes to cop a buzz and have a lot of sex. Good for him. 

Tiger likes to play golf, drink Kettle One vodka, play video games in his socks and undies while eating Coco Puffs and then hook up with glorified strippers. Fine. Can anyone blame him? Not me. 

Just stop B.S.'ing us, Eldrick. And straighten out your fricking putting. Golf is more fun when you win. Or, more accurately, almost lose. 

This tanking crap has to stop.