But you ain’t got no legs, Lieutenant Dan, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

There is a new red erectile dysfunction pill that works in seven seconds; what is a seven second erectile pill for? People who want to have sex on an escalator?

Kris Jenner is going to host a TV Talk Show. Well dust off the Algonquin roundtable.

Kris Jenner is going to host a TV Talk Show. Can’t wait for the very special show on good parenting with Dina and Michael Lohan.

 The Twinkie may be safe. It looks like Hostess might get saved after all; thank god, hasn’t Chris Christie been through enough?

In Florida – where else? – a 78-year-old man stabbed his 71-year-old wife to death because she would not make him a hamburger. Or as NJ Gov. Chris Christie call it: justifiable homicide.

Excited about the Super Bowl? The San Francisco Forty Niners are going to employ the Taylor Swift Defense. The Taylor Swift Defense is very hard to score on and there is a good chance you’ll wind up getting hurt. But then they write a song about you.

A Security guard accidentally shot off his own penis. Do we really need to add the word accidentally?

On an online sex forum, a man claimed his wife was so good at oral sex, he broke his foot curling his toes. Medical experts have ruled that the best way to break your foot ever.

Since you asked:

Not a big fan of the god-praising, preening, prancing attention whore, Ray Lewis. No doubt in my mind in the insular world of pious Ray’s sycophants, butt-smoochers and entourage members, this Super Bowl week was going to be the We Will Miss You Wonderful Christian Ray Lewis Week.

Turns out more to be about Ray using the banned substance – that the NFL doesn’t test for – deer antler extract on his torn tricep, a famously known steroid-induced injury in the first place.

Oh, and one other thing, Ray. Outside of WWRD? (what would Ray do?) land, the rest of us still want to know your involvement on two stabbing murders that the DA charged you with murder for, but you got off on a technicality. Guess what? Even though you said Jesus kept you out of prison? Those two guys are still dead. And we know it.

Love that true good guy Christian, Frank Gore, is getting much more positive attention from the press than Ray “Have I mentioned I love Jesus in the last minute?” Lewis. 

Got nothing but love for Christians - I am a confirmed but non-church-attending Methodist - who talk the talk as long as they also walk the walk. Not those who use Jesus as a promotional marketing tool