Gaux San Franciscaux Fauxrteniners, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Los Angeles Lakers have lost eight games in a row on the road. So far this season the Lakers are worse on the road than Lindsay Lohan after last call.

One of the big Super Bowl stories is Baltimore Ravens linebacker, Ray Lewis, is accused of using a banned substance, deer antler extract, to rehab his torn triceps. Lewis denied it, but I am not sure, after practice he was seen on all fours slurping water from a brook.

Now it looks like Alex Rodriguez is embroiled in another steroid scandal and the Yankees are thinking of dumping him. It is not looking good for A-Rod, today Cameron Diaz stopped feeding him popcorn.

Iran successfully shot a monkey into space and the monkey is fine. If Iran keeps this technology growth going, they could have color TV in five years.

That is amazing,” said the year 1958.

San Francisco 49ers, Chris Culliver, in a radio interview said: "I don't do the gay guys man. No, we don't got no gay people on the team, they gotta get up out of here if they do." Good thing the 49ers don’t play for a city with a lot of gay people in it.

Lindsay Lohan is set for trial in March on charges she lied about a car crash and violated her parole. Lindsay is excited about her court date, it is the first call-back she’s had in months.

According to a study, nagging is the #1 cause of divorce; more than cheating, drinking, lying or gambling. So guys, if you take out the garbage, do the dishes and clean the garage, you can cheat, drink, lie and gamble.

I’m so excited for the Super Bowl. This year for my guacamole dip, I am adding a special ingredient: deer antler extract.

I’m so excited for the Super Bowl. I got the flat screen TV ready to go, got the grill all ready to be fired up, I got all the ingredients for margaritas. I even bought a special margarita glass just for my imaginary girlfriend.

Since you asked, Super Bowl addition:

Had the pleasure of attending two Super Bowls, both here in San Diego. First when the Redskins with Doug Williams pounding the Broncos and then when Jon Gruden out coached the Raiders.

Had a great time, would love to go again. But how do I put this? If you’re not a big fan of how our country has a reputation for tacky, over-the-top, gaudy over-spending and hyper-commercial over-promotions and is filled with drunk and loud egomaniacal jerks?

Don’t go to either Las Vegas or the Super Bowl. Or is it neither nor?

Although most of the players I got to meet on the Buccaneers were really great, especially local boy John Lynch and Rhonde Barber, both funny and really smart, my impression of the ex-NFL players in the media was horrible. Michael Irvin may be one of the biggest a$$holes who hasn’t mass-murdered anyone we know of. The same goes with Tony Saragusa.

And the rest of the press was just about as bad, with the noted exceptions of John Madden and Chris “Don’t want to be your beast of” Burman. In general, the writing sports press take themselves way too seriously. You get the impression they all think they’re Ernest Hemingway meets Edward R. Murrow. Both great writers, neither famous for their comedy.

In general I have discovered that the more a human being’s brain is filled with data of any kind, but especially sports statistics, the less room there is for a sense of humor. Picture trying to get a “Star Wars” nerd to get a joke about anything, but especially “Star Wars”, and you get an idea of what type we are talking about.

My Super Bowl prediction? I will stand up paddle surf and drink too many margaritas. Plus I am grilling some prawns and making an eye-melting shrimp butter/wine/garlic sauce for dipping French bread on the grill. And grilled oysters with sautéed spinach, yum-yum sauce and bacon bits.

A nod to the Big Easy.

San Francisco 42, Ravens, 28. Let’s go get our Niners on.