We gots us a clam-jam up in this here toats McGoats, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In Menlo Park, a former San Francisco Forty Niner and Oakland Raider, Kwame Harris, was arrested for attacking his former boyfriend over an argument over soy sauce and underwear. And that is this week’s story my Uncle Scooter will not understand.

That story is crazy even for San Francisco. That’s almost Florida crazy.

In Florida, a naked man broke into a house, broke a flat screen TV, dodged bullets, defecated and then masturbated. Or as breaking into a house naked, breaking a TV, pooping, dodging bullets and masturbating is also called: a Florida to-do list.

The NBA champion Miami Heat visited the White House; except for LeBron James, he was going to go to the White House, but, at the last minute, Congress offered him a better deal, so he want there instead.

Congress has unveiled their new immigration plan and it is pretty extensive and detailed; for example: Adelle? In. Celine Deon? Out.

The Boy Scouts may announce it’s cancelling its ban on gays. Not a shocking revelation from a group where the grown men Troop leaders wear scarves, a sash, shorts, knee socks and spats.

If you’re excited about the Super Bowl Sunday, then I know you’re excited about the halftime Puppy Bowl. The amazing thing about the 2013 Puppy Bowl?  Both teams are being coached by a Labrador Harbaugh.

Since you asked:

It’s time, we need to change A-Rod’s nickname to What A-Rod. This guy is such a lying hypocrite cheater Oprah will have to bring in Dr. Phil as back up.

Now it turns out Alex Rodriguez was lying about how he lied about lying about steroids. He was taking steroids all the time. Hence the hip problems. (Ala Bo Jackson, bad hips at an early age are a sign of long-term steroid abuse)

The only way things could get worse for A-Tool is if, at the Super Bowl, he gets caught being fed popcorn by his imaginary girlfriend.

What a whacked-up time in sports. Imaginary girlfriends, legends cheating with steroids, deer antler extract, three-time Olympian hooker, and now a former NFL lineman beats up his old boyfriend over a hissy fit over soy sauce and underwear.

That sound you hear is Stan Musial spinning in his grave.