Monday, December 03, 2012

Congratulations to the Kansas City Chiefs for coming back with a win after a terrible tragedy. When the defense is in the cover two they need to use their third down inside technique on the hot read counter fade routes, but you still need your play-makers to make plays in fourth down territory. 

Yeah, I don’t know what the hell any of that means either. 

The term Fiscal Cliff has been changed to the more P.C. Financial Valley, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Starbucks is offering a $7 cup of coffee. It is called a Café Hipster Ass-bag-oh.

Chicago Bear, Brandon Marshall, said NFL players take Viagra as a performance enhancing drug. Here is my question: what performance is it enhancing? The after-game-shower-group-hug?

Viagra in the NFL could bring a new and horrifying meaning to blitzing the a-hole.

A woman in Florida was arrested for beating up her boyfriend after she claims he had an orgasm too quickly; she was charged with assault and battery, he was charged with being a dude.

The Post Office reported loses of over $16 billion. A financial expert prepared an amazing business plan to save the Post Office billions. But, sadly, it got lost in the mail.

A man in Dearborn, Missouri won half of the $580 mil. Powerball lottery and a friend of his, in an interview, said it could not happen to a nicer guy. He went on to describe the winner as an extremely handsome and generous man, willing to help a friend with no strings attached. 

Since you asked:

Lord knows I love just about everything about the Rolling Stones, but I have to say my favorite Stones era was the post-Brian Jones, pre-Ronnie Wood, even though I thought/think both were/are great.

Jones brought a lot of the blues stamp to the Stones, their first hit a cover of Jimmy Reed/ Howlin' Wolf/Willy Dixon's "Little Red Rooster," but his songs also had a kind of artsy/English studied funkiness to them like "Ruby Tuesday" and "Paint it Black." 

Ronnie Wood brought a lot of fun, energy, showmanship and partying to the band, but it lost a tad of it's edge and gained a bit of disco/pop stank in "Some Girls" and "Miss You." 

When Brian Jones was ousted - just before he died - in came two awesome influences to the band; Producer Jimmy Miller added his touch with the drums on the recordings of hits like "Brown Sugar" "All Down the Line" "Tumblin' Dice" and "Honky Tonk Woman," to this day they top my list of favorite Stones songs. 

At this time, Graham Parsons also brought his passion for Country music which both Keith and Mick took a shine to. "Wild Horses" also one of my favorite songs, was either highly influenced by Parsons or downright written by him - and stolen by Keith - if you believe ardent Parsons worshipers. (The fable has a smashed Parsons slurring through this at a backyard BBQ party at Mama Cass Elliott's Laurel Canyon home and Keith scurrying off down to a studio on Sunset Blvd to record it)

But the biggest impact at this time was the wildly talented and heroically under-appreciated guitar licks of Mick Taylor. There were microphone stands that had more on-stage charisma than Mick Taylor, but, as none other than Keith Richards described him, Taylor was a true virtuoso on the guitar. 

To show how bullet proof the popularity of the Stones is, take what I consider to be one of the worst and ill-advised public relations ploys ever and use it on the Stones. 

In the late Seventies and early Eighties, Mick Jagger became fascinated with psycho cult following of the androgynous David Bowie, T-Rex and others and set out to duplicate it. Mick endlessly crafted a persona that was both bisexual and mysterious. The problem? Almost none of the Stones core fan base were bisexual and or fascinated with androgyny. And, to make it even more unrealistic, Mick was not, as it turns out, bisexual. The whole thing smacked of a phony marketing schtick. 

That kind of image wrong turn would have killed the most famous bands/actor/singer in the world. The BS image door swings both ways. Imagine if Freddy Mercury tried to go all lady-killer stud? Gay or straight, fans can eventually smell a phony a mile away. Remember how George Michael tried to fool us? How did that work out? 

It did not even make a dent to the Stones popularity. 

Random Lex Thoughts:

Where does ADHD and or Arsperger's Syndrome end and just being an asshole begins?


How is it possible that Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Donald Trump, Bruce Jenner, Lindsay Lohan, the entire cast of "Jersey Shore" the family in "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" and everyone involved with "The Jerry Springer Show" do not know they are the punchline to a cosmic joke about universally despised, untalented a-holes? 

Why is it that the same useless helmet/tool, who first got in your way at the supermarket, will get in your way at least one more time before you leave?


Dear Manager of our Grocery Store:

On the way into the store, I have to tell at least one person  I do not want to buy something or sign anything. Then, once inside, I hear over the intercom the endless pitches to give money to some cause, albeit a good one. Then, when I check out, I am pitched some credit card deal by the cashier I don't want and then I am asked again to give money to a cause. Then the checkout screen also asks me if I want to give money to said cause. Then, on the way outside, I am hassled again by the person who hassled me on the way in. 

That is at least six to seven unwanted pitches I am subjected to in every trip to the store.

Yours truly,

Grumpy Lex


While staying at this hotel, I am taking our adorable puppy, Wally, for many walks. As you can see from the pictures I post, Wally looks like a direct cross between a baby lamb and a bunny except with a lot of spunky personality. Now, in our family's world, every single one of our friends goes totally bananas over Wally.

In the world of this hotel - which is mostly a Qualcomm dorm for computer specialists from all over the world, but mostly Asia - he garners reactions ranging from oblivious to annoyance to downright abject fear. 

So, in my world, I thought if you have a good joke or a cute puppy, everyone will go crazy for it. 

Not the case. 

As hard as it is for me to comprehend, some people do not like puppies. Some people do not like jokes. Some people do not like a perfectly grilled medium rare steak. Some people do not like music. Some people - and this one is really hard to swallow - don't like wine. 

Bill Cosby said he does not know the key to success, but he does know the key to failure: trying to please everybody. 

That and possibly taking yourself too seriously. 

Top 12 Worst First Date Statements:

"Did you know that Irritable Bowel Syndrome has different symptoms? Let me tell you about mine."

"Could you help me push this couch into my van?"

"OK, yes, technically I am one, but if you ask me the term sexual offender is pretty broad." 

"So is that yes or no on the whole "Are you wearing panties?" question?

"My snoring has been compared to flatulent hippo."

"I am going to get a new tattoo. How do you spell your name again?" 

"Did anyone ever tell you you look like an older, gayer Roseanne Barr?" 

"It was one of those days when I just could not decide between my pink and orange Crocs, so I wore one of each." 

"I've got to take this call, it's my gay partner." 

"What do you mean you don't love Justin Bieber?"

"The doctor says if my hemorrhoids get any worse they'll have to operate." 

"Hello. My name is Newt."