So glad there was no wardrobe malfunction. Last thing we need is Madge's testicles popping out

We’re gonna take the hazard out of play, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“It was worth watching that boring game to see Madonna perform at intermission,” said not one straight man in the country.

Matthew Broderick is reprising his character Ferris Bueller for a Super Bowl commercial. Only you can tell Ferris is older, in this he doesn’t take the day off, he just forgets where he works.

Mitt Romney as been assigned secret service agents; I don’t want to say Mitt is a boring white guy, but his secret service codename is: Wonderbread.

Taco Bell is now serving breakfast; “Wow, this is great news;” said people about to die of heart disease.

The Kardashian sisters are launching their own line of jeans; they come in sizes small, medium, large and Kardashiantic.

Yeast infection sold separately.

An injured worker in Arkansas was denied extended disability payments because pictures on Facebook showed him drinking and partying. Not only that, but he was poking three women a day.

Since you asked:

Got a very thoughtful and well-written e-mail from a gentleman named Steve Rowe. He informed me very nicely that I was wrong in questioning the military service of his friend and author of “SEAL Target Geronimo” Chuck Pfarrer.

It turns out Pfarrer was a SEAL commander and served courageously on many dangerous missions. My apologies.

My mistakes came from my friend who was a SEAL team commander. He is under orders not to discuss his service, so I assumed all SEAL’s felt the same way. Pfarrer does not. Although the brass discounted Pfarrer’s accounts of the attack on Osama bin Laden, there is no questioning his service to our country.

As a friend of a real SEAL who’s honesty was besmirched by a smart-ass comedy writer, one would not blame Mr. Rowe for coming in a little hot. Truth is, if it was the other way around, I would have.

But he did not come in hot, he wrote an intelligent and informative missive and I appreciate it.

However, Mr. Steve Rowe, if you happen to also be good friends with the Kardashians, please do not ask me to take anything back I’ve written about them.

I’m trying to lose weight and my pride can only swallow so much.