Dale would go, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Is it just me, or does Texas Gov. Rick Perry look like a guy who licks his thumb before peeling off bills from his money clip?

Is it just me, or does Texas Gov. Rick Perry look like a guy who, after a shoe shine, flips a silver dollar to the shoe shine guy and calls him slick?

Kim Kardashian was married in a white wedding dress. That is about as appropriate as Richard Simmons getting married in a Chicago Bear uniform.

Explain to me why Kim was walked down the aisle by that scary lesbian women's prison warden? Huh? Bruce Jenner? Sorry.

Thought it was bad form for the minister to conclude the vows with;

"I now pronounce you man and wife. I give it 'til Labor Day."

A 61-year-old New York lifeguard is suing his bosses for firing him for refusing to wear a Speedo. The man didn’t think any guy over 50 should wear a Speedo. Finally, a guy with enough good judgment we can elect as our President.

In Libya, the rebels call cutting supplies to Tripoli; “Choking Ghadafi.” In a related story, millions of American teenage boys now call what they do in the bathroom “Choking Ghadafi.”

Since you asked:

Did you see Chicago Cubs rookie short stop, Starlin Castro, pouting and flouncing at short stop during pitches like a little brat who is mad his parents won't buy him cotton candy? Somebody, the manager Mike the Q or the Cubs owner, Ricketts, needs to bitch-slap the bored smirk off his face or trade his ass as soon as possible.

How about that frozen rope Hope Solo threw for the opening pitch at Wrigley Saturday night? Not just a strike, but a strike with some jugo. Now, I shouldn't find that arousing, right?

Am I going crazy or is Paris Hilton looking more like a full-blown transvestite every day?

Sports Illustrated showed an interesting sidebar that shows that Tiger Woods and Jack Nicklaus are almost dead even at 35-years-old in terms of majors won, tournaments won, top ten finishes, etc. This would seem to bode well for Tiger breaking Jack's major record.

Nothing could be more wrong.

If Tiger does go on to break Jack's record it would be great for all of sports. But, in my opinion, Tiger has no chance.

At their same age, Jack and Tiger are a study of juxtaposed stars. Jack was getting more popular, patient, friendlier, wiser, fitter, and his swing was ironclad.

Tiger is growing more annoying, testy, bitchy, injured, moody, and his revamped swing is beginning to look more hacked-up and unnatural than Bruce Jenner's face.

It would surprise me if Tiger ever wins another major. Again, I don't like Tiger, I know, like everybody else, what a lying hypocrite and immoral, disloyal, cheap diva, bitch a-hole he is. But I would like to see him bring some small measure of the excitement he used to bring to golf.

But Tiger is an emotionally defeated man. Once they tore down his phony getting-licked-by-Yogi-the-labradoodle family man facade down, we see the sad playing-X-box-in-his tightie-whites-while-slurping- Coco- Puffs loser Tiger really is.

Tiger strikes me as someone who is laboring under a horrible mental burden/depression. Maybe it is about the doctor who is being grilled by the Feds to throw Tiger under the bus for using human growth hormone.

And guys like that don't win any more majors.

Nope, like he always has and always will, the great writer, Dan Jenkins, nailed it when he said that Tiger Woods is, as they say in the South, graveyard dead.

If one of my Cubs fans buddies - including Ray, Jeff and Barry "The Wizard of" Rozner - could tell me the cause and extent of Starlin Castro's apparent giant poopy diaper, I would appreciate it. (Roz, nice piece on comparing Zombrano and Sosa)