Paddle out to the lineup and get stoked, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Polygamist Warren Jeffs is on trial for rape and faces ten years to life imprisonment. Upon hearing this, Jeffs looked at his 20 wives and asked the judge; “Could you make it life?”

In an interview with “The Daily Beast” Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt admit, due to whoring-out for fame, they’re universally despised, alienated from friends and family, destroyed their appearance with plastic surgery and they’re broke. But they said they wouldn’t change a thing. Oh my word, do you realize what this means? They are even stupider than we thought.

After 20 months in prison for shooting himself in the thigh inside a nightclub, Plaxico Burress has signed with the New York Jets. Jets coach, Rex Ryan, needs the troublesome Burress like he needs a hole in his leg.

That’s a great idea, having a guy with Plaxico’s troubled nightclub past in New York City worked out so well before.

Controversial Wide Receiver Randy Moss announced he is retiring. Retirement should prove an easy adjustment for Moss, but instead of taking entire plays off, he’ll be taking entire seasons off.

Moss said he wants to spend more time not trying hard for his family.

That’s surprising, because of the lack of effort Moss put out, I thought he was already retired.

HBO’s “Entourage” is in its final season. If you don’t know, “Entourage” used to be a show with a bunch of actors playing a bunch of terrible Hollywood douche-bags. But it has evolved into a show about a bunch of huge Hollywood douche-bags playing a bunch of terrible actors.


Since you asked:
Gals, if you’re ideal guy smells like a combination of sea salt, oak wood smoke, Mount Gay Rum, Eternity cologne and the stench of rampant sarcasm, then ladies, I am your man. But check with my wife, Virg, first.

Let me pass on to you Slattewlies and Nuggleries four relatively inexpensive items I have received or purchased that have increased the quality of my life very much.

One was a little teak wood back scratch from Hawaii AC got me. Just having it at my desk I had no idea how much my back itches and I use it all the time and I look and feel like Wrigley getting his butt scratched. Ahhhhhhhhhh.

The second is coconut water. When inside with a Mount Gay Rum in my beloved San Diego Sunsets or by itself, it prevents hangovers and cures bonking after I surf.

For around $35, I bought a pair of iPod ear phones. Not ear buds, but the speakers that go outside your ears. Brand name Skullcandy. Oh my word, the volume is higher and the bass is unbelievable.

The most expensive but the biggest impact is a new stronger shower head. Four years ago we did a total remodel and our bathrooms are amazing with higher sinks, a hot tub, marble shower, higher toilets.

But we had this low-flow shower head that just dribbled on you. It took forever to heat up and forever to wash your hair. Now we got a full blown blaster and it is so nice.

Make it five things

Oak wood lump charcoal. Just for a change from mesquite, it has a different flavor and it is awesome on a steak. Here is a great grilling tip. You know how I told you to get a wood smoker box for the gas grill?

Well, when I use the two-half-circle treys to hold the charcoal in the Weber, invariably there is wood left over. Use that leftover wood to fill up your gas grill smoker. So when I want to do quick burgers or fish or chicken breasts or a quesadilla on the gas grill, I heat up the grill with the smoker - soak the wood ahead of time - and place that on the grill until it starts to smoke.