Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Been big-doggin’ and time-floggin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

After his second break-up with Bristol Palin, Levi Johnston is getting a reality show. They’re having trouble coming up with a title as “The Biggest Loser” has already been taken.

Tiger Woods finished 30 shots behind at the Bridgestone Invitational, in fact, you know what Tiger’s performance had in common with Louisville hoop coach, Rick Pitino’s, waitress affair? They both were screwed after 15 seconds.

Tiger Woods finished 30 shots behind at the Bridgestone Invitational. This hasn’t been a good year for Tiger. But, on the bright side, his Thanksgiving will probably be better than last year.

A new cast member is joining “Jersey Shore”, Deena Cortese. Insiders are worried Deena might not fit in: turns out she isn’t quite a complete idiot.

A Russian finalist died in the World Sauna Championship in Finland where temperatures got to 230 degrees. Ironically it was the event organizers who were grilled by the press.

A 7-year-old boy has been selling his paintings for $200,000. But it’s not a bad deal, buy a $200,000 painting and the kid throws in a “Adults are stupid” t-shirt for free.

In Chicago’s Lollapalooza, Lady Gaga crowd surfed and a fan rushed up and licked Lady Gaga’s stomach. But don’t worry, medical personnel immediately injected the fan with penicillin, so he should be OK.

The fan said Lady Gaga tasted somewhere between Alex Rodriguez and Strip Club.

Laurence Fishburne’s daughter, Montana, has been in the news for planning to release a porn video, now it turns out she was once arrested for prostitution. On the bright side, “Jersey Shore’s” Snooki’s dad is starting to feel better about his parenting.

At Louisville basketball coach, Rick Pitino’s, extortion trial against a waitress, one of the most embarrassing details was the sex lasted just fifteen seconds. Oh, I’m sure rival Kentucky fans won’t exploit this:

“Hey, Pitino, even a minuteman takes sixty seconds.”

“Hey, Pitino, how does it feel to know the 20-second shot clock is better than you?”

In New York, a Jet Blue flight attendant, after a fight with a passenger, grabbed a beer from the beverage cart and slid out of the plane on the emergency slide. Experts say this is the coolest way to get fired next to nailing the boss’s wife on the copier at the Christmas party.

It’s the exact same way former V.P. Dick Cheney left Air Force 2 for the last time.

Phil Mickelson declares he’s a vegetarian and immediately develops arthritis problems. I’ve got two words about a great golfer who changed to a strict diet and vanished from the PGA: David Duvall. We need to worry about Tiger Woods becoming a vegetarian about the time John Daly starts teaching a Jazzercise class.

Since you asked:

Saw “Date Night” last night and while I can recommend it, I have to admit I am a huge Tina Fey and Steve Carell fan and would like almost anything they were in including a QVC infomercial.

The "DN" plot is clever, but it seems to drag a touch at the end. Mark Wahlberg is very funny as a very unfunny guy. And my man Lyle the intern from “Late Show” fame does a good bad guy. My other other brother from another mother, J.B. Smove, comes in and steals the movie a bit.

No, “Date Night” was an excellent time-waster while waiting to hear all of my jokes that did not get on “The Tonight Show.”