So why the picture of Keira? Why not?

I’m a do it to it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Two of the Iditarod dog sled drivers tested positive for marijuana. 50 contestants drive dog sleds in Alaska over one thousand miles of snow, and only two tested positive for pot? That’s a miracle.


After paying $39 million over three years, the Oakland Raiders have cut the former #1 overall draft pick in 2007, QB JaMarcus Russell. So JaMarcus Russell may be the biggest bust in the NFL, but Ben Roethlisberger is still the biggest boob.


Thursday’s stock plunge was caused by a Wall Street trader who mistakenly typed the word B in billion instead of the M in million. What a boron.


More information coming out about failed Times Square bomber, Faisal Shahzad. Turns out Shahzad was a cross-dressing methamphetamine addict who loved dog fighting and goat porn. None of that is true, I just love to mock idiot terrorists.


A fan ran onto the field during a Philadelphia Phillies game and was tasered. “Here we go, Phillies, don’t tase me, bro. Here we go Phillies, don’t tase me, bro.”

Usually the only fans who get a shock are the ones who have watched the Dodgers’ start of the season.


Indiana, a 72-year-old grandmother is having an affair with her 26-year-old grandson. And now let’s all take a second to give our brain a furiously-scrubbing Silkwood shower.

Mike Tyson is now a Vegan. To which Evander Holyfield’s ear said; “Oh, great, now you’re a Vegan.”


Chef Emeril Lagase is getting his own show on CBS. Personally, I am pulling for the title: “Two and a Half Bams.”


It turns out the Times Square bomber had ties to the Pakistan Taliban. Is it just me or does the Pakistan Taliban sound like a Dr. Seuss story?

“Does the Pakistan Taliban have a crazy man driving a van? Why, yes indeed, a crazy man is driving a van for the Taliban of Pakistan.”

Since you asked:

Sunday at the Players, they ask Tiger Woods’s swing coach of six years, Hank Haney – Tiger fired the most famous swing coach in the world before this, Butch Harmon, in a way that left them both bitter – anyway, so they asked Haney if he noticed if Tiger had a bad neck. Being a non-liar, Hank said no.

Today Hank announces he and Tiger are mutually splitting ways? Please. Tiger, don’t pee on my foot and tell me it’s raining.

Tiger obviously fired Haney for not doing what all of his other butt-smooching sycophants do to stay on Tiger's pay role: cover up and lie.

Believe me, I know from personal experience how horrible it is when you discover someone you considered a friend is suddenly exposed as a lying and cheating philandering sociopath. Everyone suspects you had to know, but you didn’t. Sociopaths are as good at living lies as they are about covering them up.

I’m sure Haney is relieved about not having to deal with all the incredible mess surrounding Tiger. But, be clear, Haney did not quit on the recently former world’s #1 golfer, he was fired.

Tiger Woods quit the Players Championship because of bulging disk. (Be careful, that is pronounced disk, with an S) Tiger’s swing is so bad, the next Nike commercial will feature a silent Tiger Woods with the voice of Tiger’s dead swing.

For those who are worried about Tiger’s future, it was shocking and ironic to see the biggest "player" on the tour quitting the Players Championship. But don’t worry, Tiger will enter and finish the Man-Whore Open.

Also at the Players Championship, Paul Goydos 5-putted for an 8 on a par three. That’s more strokes than Tiger Woods after a Hooter’s happy hour.

Tiger Woods quit the Players Championship because of a pain in his neck. Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus both played on severely arthritic hips, they never quit a tournament, Ben Hogan played after nearly dying in a horrible car crash, and Hogan he never quit a tournament.

Tiger done flat out quit.

The only thing the harshest critics of Tiger – and there were many severe Tiger critics even before his sex scandal meltdown – the one and only thing the most ardent Tiger haters could not question was Tiger’s toughness and intensity on a golf course.

Now even Tiger’s toughness and intensity on a golf course has been exposed as a phony lie.

Remember how tough and intense Mike Tyson was while he was winning? It’s easy to be brave and bold when you’re destroying everyone. When “Iron Mike” Tyson started to lose we suddenly were thrown into an incredibly ugly world of what an insane and cowardly ear-biting spineless psycho bully Mike Tyson actually was.

The same thing is happening with Tiger Woods. The icy glower, the sinister sneer towards the gallery, the fierce, unfriendly club-slamming, foul-mouthed warrior in Sunday red is now starting to dissolve in front of our eyes leaving a sad, pathetic, sniveling and whining brat who quits when everything doesn’t go his way.

No ask me how I really feel.

So why is it so fun for sports writer and comedy writers to go after Tiger Woods? In my experience there is nothing more fun than discovering a lying hypocrite and then going after them. As a comedy writer, I cut my teeth on OJ Simpson, my former idol.

Like John Edwards, it was bad enough for Tiger to shamefully pimp his image as a wonderful father and husband to sell more Nike gear. Now it turns out he was a lying whore while pimping a bold-faced lie.

All rules are gone. All bets are off. Any punch can be thrown and it will be considered fair.

Liar, cheater, hypocrite, phony, foul-mouthed rude jerk, cheapskate and now you can add to Tiger’s list: quitter. How’s that image working out for you, Nike? Here’s your new motto:

Just Quit It.