Go ahead and try to find something cuter

Whatever lifts your luggage, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

President Barack Obama nominated Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court. The rumor in Washington is Elena Kagen used to date Elliot Spitzer, but it’s not true. Elena Kagan was never a whore.


Tiger Woods’s swing coach of six years, Hank Haney, has left Tiger. Apparently Tiger and Haney had a big disagreement over the definition of the word swinging.


The Times Square bomber, Faisal Shahzad, is on the No Fly list and yet he flies back and forth from Pakistan. But if you’re in airport security and you so much as whisper a joke about a bomb, you’re in a locked room getting a rectal exam. I learned this one the hard way.


Reports of Pittsburgh Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger’s errant behavior have been so scathing, his fans are blaming his actions on possible brain damage. Let me tell you something, if your behavior is so awful the only excuse is brain damage? You might want to clean up your act.


Reports of Pittsburgh Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger’s errant behavior have been so scathing, his fans are blaming his actions on possible brain damage. To which Tiger Woods said; “Me too, I got hit in the head by a golf ball a while ago, yeah, that’s it.”


There is amazing video of an Australian father who clutches and shields his infant son the instant prior to getting hit by a car. Turns out everyone is going to be OK, but that is bravery. I dive out of the way when the lawn sprinkler goes on.

The lengths some guys will go to get lucky with Mom on Father’s day is amazing.



While their 19th child is still in the hospital, Michelle Duggar told an interviewer they might have a 20th child. All the children’s names begin with the letter J. Number 20 will be called: Just-fell-out.



On “American Idol,” when Chrystal Bowersox and Lee DeWize sang their duet, I wept. Incidentally, while playing golf with the guys, don’t say: When Chrystal Bowersox and Lee DeWize sang their duet on “American Idol”, I wept.



“Playboy” is coming out with a 3-D issue complete with 3-D glasses; this is for the guys who didn’t think they looked like enough of a loser masturbating to “Playboy” without wearing 3-D glasses.


Since you asked:

Had a bit of an Zen-moment while out on a good run on a beautiful day just now. (My running had to improve or I would have been going backwards) Don Henley’s “You Must Not Be Drinking Enough” popped on my iPod and memories came flooding.


She passed on your passion

Stepped on your pride

Turns out you ain't quite so tough

'Cause you still wanna hold her

You must not be drinkin' enough

See, in the beginning of my dating career, the big heartbreak score in the sky was Girls: 732, Lex: Zilch. So when my heart would inevitably bust, I would revel in the misery that was so beautifully expressed in heartbreak songs like “Helplessly Hoping,”“*Bell Bottom Blues” and “Wild Horses.”

When Henley came out with a tongue-in-cheek drunken parody of a heartbreak song, “You Must Not Be Drinking Enough” I had gone to college in Santa Barbara and moved to New York and pulled the greatest heartbreak comeback known to man.

How great of a comeback? Imagine the Titanic springing out of the water and steaming into port. (wow, Lex, that is some comeback) Thank you, Inner Tirade, I am proud of it. (Putz)

The point is (thrusting a dirty look at Inner Tirade) by the time “YMNBDE” came out, I was about 23-years-old and on vacation from New York with my parents in Michigan in Goodheart. Or Petosky, one. Plus we were on Lake Michigan, where most of my previous heartbreaks had taken place, so the smells, sights and sounds took me right back there. (to this day the smell of gasoline-fumes floating on lake water can make me weep for Cindy Thomas)



So I could listen to "YMNBDE" and, at once, hearken back to all of those bitter sweet memories of love lost and yet also revel in my current and fantastic romantic turnaround. (Sniff, teeth-suck, chortle and sigh of smugness)

It was the best of both worlds, Slatt-o-inis and Nuggalosies, it was the best of both worlds.

(Polite applause)


P.S. The next song to come on was the Bryan Ferry and Roxy Music’s live version of “Jealous Guy.” I’m not gay – not that there is anything wrong with it – but I would consider going gay if it meant that was the only way I could listen to this song. (Not that I can imagine that scenario playing out)

Tonight I am going to sear/grill awesome swordfish steaks (dusted in Old Bay, garlic powder and pepper) until just under done and finish them in a pan of basting sauce of 1 cup of white wine, ½ cup of chicken broth, sautéed onions, garlic, capers and a good squeeze of lemon. Throw in some mini carrots near the end, serve over rice pilaf with a cold glass of chardonnay. Bam it with chopped parsley and watch the Cavs duke it out with the Celtics.

And listen to Roxy’s “Jealous Guy” again. Life is good. (Knock on wood three times)


*If I could choose a place to die, it would be in your arms - "Bell Bottom Blues" E.C. with Derek and the Dominoes

As heartbreak song lines go, that is hard to beat