Why? Because I love these things

That how we do how we do how we do, do, do Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


The FBI reports a 20% decrease in bank robberies in 2009. You know the economy is bad when bank robbers are out of work.

The surprise winner of the Massachusetts Senate election, Scott Brown, posed naked for “Cosmo” when he was in law school; in fact, that’s why he became a republican, during the naked photo shoot, Brown discovered he could do a mean elephant shadow puppet.

After the Minnesota Vikings playoff win against the Dallas Cowboys, Brett Favre led his team in singing the old “American Idol” guy’s “Pants on the ground” song. In fact, Favre came up with his own old guy version. It’s called: “Pants Up To The Chest.”

In Nevada there is the first ever licensed male prostitute. Women, for $50 he talks dirty to you, for $100 he has sex with you, and for $500 he’ll take you shopping and tell you your butt looks skinny in those jeans.

In Nevada there is the first ever licensed male prostitute. Women, for $50 he talks dirty to you, for $100 he’ll spank you, and if you really want to get kinky, for $500 he’ll put the toilet seat back down after going to the bathroom.


Since you asked:

People are going to take whatever side they want on the Conan O’Brien/Jay Leno/ David Letterman/NBC flap, but Leno bashing seems popular these days. It cracks me up when someone who knows I write jokes for Jay Leno feels compelled to inform me; “Jay Leno isn’t funny.”

To that I remind them to add the words “to you.” “Jay Leno isn’t funny to you.” Because I am pretty sure a guy who pockets $40 million a year and who has tens of millions of fans is funny. Personally, I think Leno is very funny, but who cares what a guy who gets paid $75 a joke thinks compared to a guy getting paid $40 million? Well, Jay Leno does, as I will explain later.

A factor to consider in who is right or wrong in this NBC flap is the latest and most popular and accurate judge of leadership being used by professional sports teams prior to hiring a coach, or top companies looking for a C.E.O. The latest hiring gauge for top positions is to investigate how that person under consideration treats underlings, from assistants to interns and waiters and parking attendants.

And you don’t have to be a big shot to be rude and awful. Just look at how so many people right outside your own front door treat their fellow drivers with the utmost rudeness and contempt. Clearly to them, the rest of us just represent annoying obstacles out to destroy their important and busy schedules.

The Madoffs, Bernie and Ruth, were well-known for their contempt to any and all staff. Madonna, Barbra Streisand, Stephen Segal, Val Kilmer, Wesley Snipes, the most notorious a-holes in the world, regularly fire personal assistants for daring to make eye contact. (Believe it or not, a successful comedian I respect said on facebook he has met Madonna on many occasions and liked her, so . . . )

As anyone, like myself, who has been a waiter can tell you, how people treat service people is the fastest way to judge and measure the character and soul of a person*. As a freelance writer, you can’t get much more underling to Jay Leno than me, and, on every single occasion we have talked on the phone and met after a taping, Jay Leno has always treated me with class, dignity and respect.

Although I have never met him, Conan O’Brien is famous for treating interns and staff members kindly as well. And, likewise, Letterman. A person I know who worked for Letterman is effusive in their praise affection for the man.

So in my mind, this leaves the only bad guys as those snotty TV executives. There is nothing wrong with being big time, we should all strive to be big time, but there is no excuse for big-timing somebody.

Studio and network heads are famous for treating their employees like slaves and garbage. When I was having dinner at the Eagles old haunt, Dan Tana’s, next to the Troubadour on Santa Monica Blvd, my amazing pasta dinner was practically ruined by this a-hole big shot producer–type who was clearly surrounded by his flunkies all of whom nodded and smiled as this miserable pr*ck mercilessly tore into the waiter.

Fortified by martinis and wine, when I got up to leave, I walked (stumbled) up to his table and said (slurred) to the schmuck; “You an a**hole and a horrible person who is clearly going to get the awful hell you deserve.” Then I looked at his flunkies and said; “And you are the a**holes who are kissing his ass.” (Being clearly buzzed and a mostly solid 6ft 2, 225 has its perks)

Nobody, to my knowledge, has ever said the big shots at NBC were different then that jerk at Dan Tana’s was. He could have been one of them, for all I know.

*On the flip side of this, there is nothing more annoying than a waiter or maitre de who is snotty and rude to the customers. They are possibly the most despicable people on the planet.