Lots of booze is the new booze

Here's wishing my dysexlia better gets in 1020


Let’s get the next year in gear all up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


In Colorado, Charlie Sheen was arrested in Aspen for domestic violence on Christmas; where is Aspen? In Charlie’s case his Aspen in jail.

In Colorado, Charlie Sheen was arrested for domestic violence on Christmas; Sheen is the spokesperson for Hanes Underwear. My attorney has just advised me not to disclose the wife-beater- t-shirt joke I was just about to present.

The Nigerian terrorist on the Northwest flight to Detroit pulled down his pants and his whole plan blew up on his crotch. As a result, investigators have nicknamed him Tiger Woods.

The Nigerian terrorist on the Northwest flight to Detroit had his explosive device catch fire in his lap. The good news is the commotion woke up the pilots and they didn’t miss the airport.

Good riddance to 2009. You know your year ended on a bad note when your playful request of “Pull my finger” was immediately followed by the panicked shriek; “Oh my god, get a towel.” Or so I imagine . . .

A study reveals you are six times more likely to get in an auto accident if you text or post on Twitter or Facebook while driving. And you are one hundred times more likely to be a total and utter douche bag.



Since you asked:

There is a slight, ugly part of me that wants to produce a movie called “The Whore Horror” and then hire Barbara Walters, Rosie Perez and Fran Drescher to promote it. It will be the greatest thing since Abbot and Costello’s “Who’s on First?” routine.

Fran Drescher: “Go see “The Whore Horror.”

The press: “The Who-uh Uh-whah”?

Rose Perez, “Not the Who-uh Uh-whah, “The Whore Horror.”

Press: “The Harry Worrier”

Barbara Walters; “No, siwwy, not the “The Harry Worrier” “The Whore Horror.”

Press “The Her Error Eyore”? Is this a Winnie the Pooh spin off?”