Monday, September 28, 2009

Man it is hot today. I was sweating like George W. Bush trying to pronounce nuclear proliferation.

Universal Pictures has bought the rights to Barbie to make a major movie starring Barbie. Come on, a Hollywood movie starring a girl mostly made of plastic with huge boobs and fake blonde hair? Oh, yeah.

Did you hear President Obama’s speech on nuclear proliferation? Or as President Bush used to call nuclear proliferation, knuckle-warrior-prostitionalafied.

Chicago Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their baby boy Wrigley Fields. The parents said if he doesn’t like the name Wrigley when he gets older he can go by his middle name: The-Mets-Suck.

Chicago Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their baby boy Wrigley Fields. He’s a healthy baby boy but they will have to put his food in a blender one month a year because he will have a tendency to choke in September,

Chicago Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their baby boy Wrigley Fields. Good thing the baby was born in September because if it was due in October it would have to wait to come out until next Spring.

Chicago Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their baby boy Wrigley Fields. It’s not unusual for fans to name their children after their baseball team. Last month in Los Angeles, two Dodger fans named their son: Let’s Leave Early to Beat Traffic.

For the UN meeting, you know where Libyan President Muammar Qadaffi is staying? In a big tent on one of Donald Trump’s properties. And you’ll never guess where Iran President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad is staying: he slithered in and burrowed underneath Trump’s hairpiece.

Actor Randy Quaid and his wife, Evi, were arrested in Texas for skipping out on a $10,000 California resort hotel bill; in a related story, Randy Quaid has officially broken the world record for purchasing hotel adult movies set by President Bill Clinton.

Actor Randy Quaid and his wife, Evi, were arrested in Texas for skipping out on a $10,000 California resort hotel bill; How did Quaid get out of the hotel owing $10,000? When I so much as look at M&M’s in the “honor bar” security knocks down my door to charge my credit card.

Twelve acts are up for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame including Kiss. Does Kiss deserve to be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame when they can’t really sing and they just look scary with too much makeup and weird outfits? But then Madonna made the Hall, so I guess so.

Attention middle-aged dude power-walking sans shirt: the official tally of people in the world who like that look? Zero. Put on your "I'm a douche bag" t-shirt stat.


I swear, if I don't stop exaggerating for dramatic effect I am going to kill myself.

Attention: stop making words plural just to sound cool, for reals.