Hop, stop and drop, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Snaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake
Scientists in Columbia have found a huge snake fossil and that snake was so big, it used to feed on cows. It was so big, it swallowed cows. They named it a Kirsty-Alley-aconda

Scientists in Columbia have found a huge snake fossil and that snake was 42 feet long. Experts think this is the biggest snake ever that didn’t used to be governor of Illinois.

Hard rain gonna fall
It was raining so hard in Los Angeles, in Hollywood the rain actually washed a straight guy into a theater showing “He’s Just Not That Into You.”

Yikes
To give you an idea how much of a chick flick “He’s Just Not That Into” is, one man who saw it said afterwards he felt like his kidney was being removed from his vagina.

Hate to hear that
Doctors at Johns Hopkins removed a healthy kidney through a woman’s vagina; the bad news? She had just come in to get a mole removed.

Is that smart?
Cereal maker Kellogg has dropped Michael Phelps endorsement after his tabloid pot-smoking photograph. That’s smart because nobody eats cereal when they’re stoned. Are you kidding? Besides Dorritos, cereal is the only meal stoners can fix. Toast requires too much cooking.

Makes sense
President Obama is trying to stop the Wall Street bonuses. We shouldn’t be surprised Wall Street gives themselves bonuses, when you mix the letters in Wall Street you get: Rat Well Set.

That bad
To give you an idea how bad the economy is, in New York people are going to Knicks games just to see something that sucks worse than Wall Street.

Since you asked:

You non-midwestern folks familiar with the term ahunert? As the wonderful Bonnie Hunt said on Letterman many years ago, it is the standard large unit of measure for suburban Chicago kids:

"If I had ahunert dahlers I could buy ahunert carsssss."

"Oh, you wannas play me in hoops? Well good luck 'cause I'm like ahunert times better dan youse."