Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Snaps it back and hold it, baby one more time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Chick Flick in the Sticks
The movie “Sex and the City” opens in three days; I don’t want to say this is the ultimate chick flick, but I’m so excited I could just cry.

The movie “Sex and the City” opens in three days; I don’t want to say this is the ultimate chick flick, but after the film, guys will be able to get to second base on themselves.

The movie “Sex and the City” opens in three days; they are serous about this film, you have to leave your pagers, Blackberries, cell phones and your testicles at the door.

The movie “Sex and the City” opens in three days; women identify each other by the characters, witty hip women are Carrie, sweet, sensitive women are Charlotte, if you are an acerbic hard worker, you’re a Miranda, and if you’re a Samantha you need to get a shot for your STD.

A while back, a truck overturned in L.A. and spilled 14 tons of Oreo cookies; it was serious, they had to call in both the Willy Nelson and Snoop Dog tour buses.

Random spewings:

If you could root out the abscess that is the infection of our culture’s soul, the extraction would bare an uncanny resemblance to Dina Lohan.

One of my favorite baseball fan shots of all time was, of course, Wrigley Field where they caught two elderly nuns wearing a t-shirt over their nun frocks. It was the Kerry Wood t-shirt that proclaimed “We Got Wood.” Now either they were blissfully unaware of the double entendre, or these nuns had one hell of a sense of humor.

Kasey our older lab is worrying me. She is starting to look pretty old. And she is. She will be 14 this August 23, Maybe because it is spring and her fur is doing that chicken molting thing, but she paces around a lot and seems restless. When Kasey goes I am going to pull a Bojangles. “His dog up and died, he up and died, after twenty years he still grieves.”

If you want an election litmus test as to who are the real pain-in-the-ass posers who are just looking for a chance for a cheap shot, it is the yammering helmets who are trying to make a big deal out of Barack Obama mixing up his uncle’s liberation of Buchenwald with Auschwitz. What tools.

The best part of the New York Yankees slugger Jason Giambi admitting he wears a gold tiger striped thong and his teammates share it? Suddenly the pain of being picked last for elementary school baseball isn’t quite as sharp. Maybe I can’t field right or execute a hit and run, but I also don’t, nor have I ever, nor will I ever, wear a thong.

The Chicago Cubs are looking pretty damn good. Not to mention my Lou Piniella imitation is getting pretty close to dead on. You gotta repeat that lip smack thing, talk real slow with a high voice and a slight drawl with many dramatic pauses while bearing an expression that looks like you are remembering an unpleasant dining experience.

Is it just this area or are all drivers turning into butt-munching manic a-holes? Swear to god, when I drive around now I sound like somebody with Tourette Syndrome.

My favorite move by these d-bags is when you are attempting to change lanes, the blinker is on and you have room. But when you go to merge, you see that the person behind has just sped up to cut you off just to get ahead of you, nearly causing you to miss your turn or off ramp. Or even better are the ones who speed up to cut you off only to slow to a stop in front of you because they are turning but you aren’t.

It is uncanny how many times I have seen two motorists in San Diego continue to speed up to cut off the person trying to get off the freeway by the person trying to get on. They both want to be where the other one is but instead of letting one or the other go, they have to be ahead and then they both miss their exit .

And let’s hear it for the all-self-consumed, inconsiderate, clueless douche bags who make you sit and wait at a stop sign for them to pass only to have them pull up and turn on your street without using their blinker. Don’t you just love the look of wonder and shock on their face when they see you are screaming; “Go givl* yourself you thoughtless [tovl*” at them? They have no clue.

(* keys to the right of what I mean on the keyboard)

As of July it is against the law to talk on a hand held cell phone while driving. Mark my words, when I see the first person pulled over and getting a ticket for that, I am going to stop and do a chicken dance celebration in circles around them.

No lie, the frickin’ chicken dance.

If you ask me, and, believe me, nobody did, there is no chance Barack will pick Hillary as his running mate. Barack would rather ask that crazy-ass preacher, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, then have to deal with Hillary and Bill.

Besides, it would be suicide for the democrats. The growing surge of Independents tired of the shrieking of the far left and far right, will win this election.

Right now the Independents have two legitimate choices, Barack and McCain. If Barack adds the poster child of the shrill left, he would be handing the election to McCain.