Wednesday, October 10, 2007

This how we do how we do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Juice is loose

More bad news for Britney Spears; Spears claims someone broke into her house and stole her homemade sex videos; not only that, OJ Simpson broke in and got a lot of his memorabilia back.

Oh no I di’ . . . ‘nt
The annual cat show is at Madison Square Garden; there was an embarrassing moment when a confused New York Knick coach, Isaiah Thomas, showed up to try and get some pussy.

You’re next, little guy
Pamela Anderson married Rick Solomon, the guy in the Paris Hilton video. In addition to Pamela and Paris, this guy was married to Shannon Daugherty. Bad news girls, apparently he was one of the last single straight guys in Hollywood, now he’s getting married. David Spade rest up.

Apt winner
Former “The Price is Right” host Bob Barker is being sued for sexual harassment for the seventh time, the guy is 83. On the bright side, Viagra named Bob Man-of-the-year.

So ugly
Border Agents now shoot pepper balls at illegal immigrants crossing in from Mexico; this has upset Mexican officials, so now when Americans try to sneak into Mexico, Mexican border agents will shoot Wonder Bread at them.

Sure sign
Taco Bell has opened a restaurant in Mexico. You can tell by all the American rats running across the Mexican border.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
Yesterday the White House celebrated Columbus day; there was one awkward moment when President Bush remarked that Columbus was his favorite raincoat-wearing TV detective.

That’s telling them, Trorats
USC is still reeling from losing to underdog Stanford; when asked to comment, an angry USC student said, “Oh yeah? Well at least we’re more goodlier than Stanford in the classroom.”

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it, 2
Michael Vick's dogs have been rescued from euthanasia. It was a little awkward when President Bush heard Vick’s dogs were saved from euthanasia, he said; “What is it with them kids in Asia and eating dogs?”

Since you asked:
My nine-year-old daughter, Ann Caroline, came up to me yesterday in tears because she studied very hard for her fourth grade math test but only got a B+. Needless to say, this is all brand new territory for me, so suggestions are welcomed.

Can we start a new rule? No more walking in the middle of the street when there is a perfectly good sidewalk right next to you. And the same people who meander in the middle of the street are the same ones who meander in the middle of the mall parking lot who are the same people who cut you nasty looks for driving too close to them when you do pass them to get around them.

My friends think I am crazy when I tell them how insanely up-their-own-asses the people in this area are. Let me give you a recent example:

As I was driving with my daughter, I am proud to say I did not say a word, but a woman stopped her car – a very big SUV – in the middle of busy street, so she could better concentrate on her cell phone call. There were parked cars to the right and cars coming the other way so there was nowhere for me to go. Did I tap the horn? No. Like a nice guy, I waited.

Finally there was a break in the oncoming traffic so I looked behind me, signaled and went around her, just as I passed her and turned the signal on to return to my lane in front of her, she steps on it. I slam on the breaks and she slams on the breaks, still while she was in mid-phone conversation.

What did she do next? She laid on her horn and gave me the finger, of course.