Tuesday, October 09, 2007

We slammin’ and jammin’ in this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Rancheres


How embarrassing is it for Britney Spears to be declared a worse parent than Kevin Federline? That’s like having your dog run away to Michael Vick’s house.

Now that’s bad
An article in “Details” magazine claims it is a myth that gay men dress better than straight men; in fact, one gay guy dresses so badly, he looks just like an old senator from Idaho.

Or something like that
After their reportedly lame backstage fight at the MTV Awards, boxing promoters are trying to stage a match between Kid Rock and Tommy Lee. I think it will be in Las Vegas and billed as “The Sleazers at Caesars.”

It gives me no joy to write these, as I am sure it does for you to read them
The Chicago Cubs lost their five game series to the Arizona Diamondbacks. In fact, the only good news is that the Cubs can feel good about fighting global warming because their bats generated no heat whatsoever.

The Chicago Cubs lost their five game series to the Arizona Diamondbacks at Wrigley Field. Remember that Chicago Cubs fan couple who just named their newborn son Wrigley Field? Today they changed his name to Wrigley Spearmint Gum.

Now these USC jokes give me joy
Number one USC lost to unranked Stanford and Notre Dame beat UCLA? What is going on? Thank goodness the Chicago Cubs lost or sports would make no sense anymore.

The Chicago Cubs lost in three games to the Arizona Diamondbacks and, in the last game, stranded eight runners on base. In fact, the Cubs stranded more guys than Paris Hilton did when she went to jail.

In the biggest upset in a year of upsets, 41-point-underdog Stanford beat #1 ranked USC 24-23. I haven’t seen USC students this upset since they stopped serving Beluga caviar and Cristal champagne at the dorms.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
At a White House dinner for Muslims, President Bush quoted the Muslim prophet Mohammad; embarrassingly, the Mohammad quote Bush used was; “Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.”

Mrs, Mrs Jones
After years of vehemently denying endless accusations, gold medal winning sprinter Marion Jones finally admitted she used steroids. In equally shocking sports news, baseball players spit.

After years of denials, Olympic gold medal sprinter Marion Jones admitted she used steroids. Apparently, when it came to using a lot of steroids, Jones was lying her balls off.

Finally some good news with Vick
Michael Vick's dog-fighting dogs have been rescued from euthanasia. The pit bulls will be put through a program so they can learn to get along with people and not attack. In sad new, however, Rosie O’Donnell had to be put down.

Michael Vick's dogs have been rescued from euthanasia. It was a little awkward when President Bush heard Vick’s dogs were saved from euthanasia, he said; “What is it with them kids in Asia and eating dogs?”

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim were swept, the Los Angeles Dodgers didn’t make the playoffs, and UCLA and USC were upset. You know it’s a bad sports weekend when the best performance was by L.A.’s NFL team.