Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Can I get a snap-dog one time on this snickity snick, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

I’m not a doctor or anything, but . . .The Globe’s headline reads “OJ Has Brain Cancer.” I’m not a doctor, but OJ can’t have brain cancer for the exact same reason he can’t have ovarian cancer. He doesn’t have any.

Double O bringing it
Ozzie Osbourne is on tour. I think the name of the tour is “Mumble and Shuffle Palooza.”

Is everybody happy?
A new study reveals that men are happier than women, a total reversal from a few decades ago. The study suggests women are less happy since the 70’s due to the stress of choosing between work and family. The reason the men are happier than the 70’s? Two words: Internet Porn.

Just when you thought there was no hope
Paris Hilton is going to Rwanda to bring attention to their problems; well that should take care of everything. It is well known that no crisis, whether starvation, war or epidemics, cannot be fixed by a rich, air-head, sexually-disease-ridden untalented skank

Paris Hilton is going to Rwanda to bring attention to their problems; let’s face it, when you think of Paris Hilton, you can’t you help but think of Mother Teresa.

Paris Hilton announced she wears her clothes once and then donates them to orphanages. In a related story, this explains the recent outbreak of orphans with crabs.

A woman in Siberia gave birth to her 12th child, a girl who weighed 17 pounds. The good news is that the 17-pound child, the mother and the father, Rosie O’Donnell, are all doing well.

A Chicago couple, with the last name of Field, named their newborn son, Wrigley Field after the Cubs ballpark. Is that a nice thing to do to a child? That means every October he will be bitterly disappointed.

Since you asked:Let me tell you about getting older. Here is what getting older feels like to me. You know that one favorite toy you really wanted at Christmas? You know, you asked for a bunch of stuff, but there was that one toy that you really wanted the most?

And sure enough, if you were lucky and had great and generous parents, like I did, there it was on Christmas morning. It was so beautiful and shiny and gorgeous in that package you almost didn’t want to open the package, but, being human, you had to. Afterwards, you almost didn’t want to open the other packages because it took away from playing with your new favorite toy. For weeks you invited friends over just to show off your toy.

Getting older is like being that toy on my birthday later on August 15th The toy is still the same, the working parts are still there, but it showing it’s wear and tear. Especially with a new crop of toys coming in on your birthday, well, let’s just say nobody is getting invited over to play with it.

(Sad, polite applause)