Saturday, October 06, 2007

How are the Cubs going to win three? Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweeter-than-sweet, sweet Lou, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The gift that keeps giving
You know what happened twelve years ago? The jury in the OJ Simpson murder trial found OJ Simpson not guilty; if you want to buy OJ an anniversary gift, he’s registered at Blood, Bath and Be Gone.

Brokeback White Way
“Brokeback Mountain” is being produced as a Broadway play; yeah, because the movie just wasn’t quite gay enough.

“Brokeback Mountain” is being produced as a Broadway play; they can’t replicate the Montana mountains scenes on a stage, so this play will all take place in a Minneapolis airport bathroom.

Not good
Michael Vick tested positive for marijuana, the state of Virginia has added more dog fighting charges, and now the Atlanta Falcons want Vick’s $16 mil bonus back. If Vick’s luck gets any worse, he’ll have to become an honorary member of Notre Dame.

Twelve years gone
You know what happened last week in 1995? The jury in the OJ Simpson murder trial found OJ Simpson not guilty; well, thank god there could never be another LA jury so stupid they’d let a celebrity get away with murder.

How old is he?
Can you believe it has been twelve years since the not guilty verdict in the OJ Simpson murder trial? OJ is so old he honestly can’t remember where he hid the knife.

A judge has ordered that OJ Simpson give up his Rolex watch for the civil suit that found OJ liable for the murder of his wife and Ron Goldman; wait a minute, if OJ doesn’t have a watch how is he going to know when to kill people?

They grow up so fast, sniff
First daughter Jenna Bush has written a book. A wistful President Bush said, “Why it seems only yesterday I was trying to read a book to Jenna. Bless her heart, she’d say, “Sound it out, Daddy.”

Great idea
A New Jersey man who was choking on an onion-ring while driving, dislodged it after crashing his car into a tree. He saved himself from choking by driving into a tree. Why didn’t the Mets think of this?

People are still talking about the New York Mets collapse, they lost a seven game lead with seventeen games to go; in fact, this is the worst case of gagging that didn’t end up as a stain on Monica Lewinski’s blue dress.

They got knicked
New York Knicks coach, Isiah Thomas, was sued for sexual harassment for $11.6 mil; only the Knicks could figure out a way to continue to lose big even during the off-season.

She sure does
In sad news, Britney Spears lost custody of her two children, Sean Preston and Jayden James. Britney was upset until she found out she lost custody, not custard. That Britney lovers her some custard, y’all.

Makes sense
In New York, a man is suing Home Depot because he got his butt glued to a toilet seat and he was stuck on the toilet. The good news is he was made an honorary member of the New York Mets.

The medical term for having your butt stuck to a toilet seat? It’s called a bad case of Myassistuktoacrapper. (my-ass-is-stuck-to-a-crapper)

Since you asked:

Here is a cute story. Tuesday there is a story in the San Diego Union Tribune about a whining fest in La Jolla over a sidewalk that has a five inch crack in it. The locals said it was the city’s responsibility to fix it and the city said that the locals had to fix it because they ruled the ground too unstable.

So, Wednesday, my buddy calls from New Jersey and asks what I think about the La Jolla story and I tell him that I think those rich people are a bunch of whiners and they should stop complaining and take care of the problem themselves. He sounded a little surprised.

Right after I hung up with my buddy, an East Coast feature editor to whom I submit jokes called me and said he knew I lived near La Jolla, and his department was going to write an article about it and wanted to know what I thought.

“What’s the big deal? Who cares about a bunch of whining rich people? Screw em, let them take care of their own problem" I said.

“Can I quote you?” he asked. “Sure”, I said.

That’s when I turned on the news. Massive sinkhole, houses sliding down the hill. People in the hospital.


I called the feature editor back to explain, but as it was 4:30 pm PST, 7:30 EST he had left for home after filing his story.

Not going to look very sensitive to our brethren to South if that gets out.