Wednesday, June 28, 2006

It is hard out here

Come on now, we slammin’ with the jammin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In England’s 1-0 win over Ecuador, David Beckham scored on a penalty kick and then Beckham threw up on the field and thus was charged with impersonating the U.S. soccer team.

It was the most Beckham has thrown up since he listened to his wife’s Spice Girls albums.

We are here, we’re near, so stay clear
The gay pride parades were this weekend all across the country. This is the most gay men have marched together since the Ikea end-of-the-year sale.

High octane
New York City announced they are adding more hybrid taxis. In case you don’t know a hybrid taxi is fueled by a combination of gas, electricity and the stench from the cab driver’s body odor.

Florida Gov. Jeb Bush has signed a bill that makes Florida’s motto, “In God We Trust.” This replaces Florida’s old motto; “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.”

This replaces Florida’s old motto, “Shut up, I’m trying to watch “Matlock.”

Two big milestones
Scientists say the earth is the hottest it's been in 2,000 years. This also marks the 2,000 anniversary of the phrase; “Holy Christ, it’s hot.”

It is hot in New York. It was so hot the cab drivers had to switch to their cotton mesh turbans.  

Who can blame the guy?
Saddam Hussein declared a hunger strike that lasted all of one meal. When asked why his hunger strike only lasted one meal, Hussein replied; “It was make-your-own-Falafel night. I’m only human.”

Time is not on our side
A research study by the Oxford Dictionary says the most used noun is "time". As in the people who did this study have too much time on their hands.

How hot is it?
It has been hot. It was so hot in Los Angeles the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim are now calling themselves the Los Angeles Angels of Hell.
A medical study claims that drinking a lot of coffee after a night of heavy drinking can reduce your chance of getting alcohol related liver diseases. In addition, drinking a lot of coffee after a night of heavy drinking can also give you breath that could kill your dog.

Crying? There’s no crying in soccer.
In a nasty World Cup match, Portugal defeated the Netherlands 1-0. One of Portugal’s players Christiano Renaldo limped off in tears. Wait, was he crying? Was he crying? There’s no crying in soccer. There’s no crying in soccer. My coach was Alexi Lalas and he once called me a quivering pile of pig dung in front of my parents who came from Fresno to see me play. And did I cry? No. Why? Because there is no crying in soccer. Oh wait, yes there is crying in soccer. Never mind.