Wednesday, May 31, 2006

It is hard out here

Oh it gonna be like that now and again, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

So true
Scientists have confirmed that HIV originated in Chimps. When asked to comment, one Chimpanzee said; “It’s hard out here for a Chimp.”

Record breaking
A baby in China was born with three arms; experts predict that, in a manner of a few months, the three-armed baby will be able to deliver the world’s first high fifteen.

And take two Jennifers
Ben Affleck spent Memorial Day in the hospital with a severe migraine. Ben will be fine, doctors ordered Affleck to rest and to never, ever, watch a replay of his movie “Gigli” again.

Chainsaw’s assist
The Phoenix Suns tied the Dallas Mavericks 2-2. Mavericks guard Jason Terry said that he always sleeps in the game shorts of the opposing team. Except when they play Detroit, because nobody wants to sleep in Piston pants.

Amazing indeed
It was amazing, as soon as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s baby was delivered, the severed umbilical cord was named “People” magazine’s most beautiful umbilical cord.

Get it?
Paris Hilton has an album coming out that she says is a combination of pop, hip hop and reggae; see, now I thought Paris’s album would be a fusion of Ska and Punk or Skank.

Sue, sue, sue de ‘ho
Lark Voorhies, who played Lisa Turtle in “Saved by the Bell” is suing “The National Enquirer” for libel for saying that she had a drug problem. In addition, Lark Voories is being sued for having portrayed Lisa Turtle on “Saved by the Bell.”

We kid the trekkies
A study claims that, for men, sexual intercourse with a partner is four times more satisfying than masturbation. To which Trekkies asked; “What’s sexual intercourse with a partner?”

Again, we kid
Christies is going to have a huge Star Trek memorabilia auction. Trekkies will be able to bid millions for famous Star Trek items that will continue to not get them laid.

The nerve
Wednesday was Katie Couric’s last day on the “Today” show. Katie is leaving her show with class and warm feelings. To which Star Jones replied, “Can you believe that bitch?”

Not a good sign
Pitcher Roger Clemens will rejoin the Houston Astros in mid-June. This amid rumors that Clemens sat out the first part of the season due to a hushed-up steroid suspension. Clemens was so angry at the steroid charges, he threw a ball clean through a two foot concrete stadium wall.

A little bit of funk
The Senate passed a hasty token bill that makes English the official language of the United States; it was awkward, when told this English language law was perfunctory, President Bush said; “It does have some funk to it, don’t it?”

The Senate passed a bill that makes English the official language of the United States; the actual fine line wording of the bill makes the official language English and whatever the hell it is that President Bush and Arnold Schwarzenegger speak.

The White House claims that President Bush speaks Spanish. He doesn’t speak Spanish well, so that makes Bush illegible in two languages.