Thursday, June 01, 2006

It is hard out here

Stompin’ on it and rompin’ on it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

We kid the Commander in Chief
President Bush proudly claims he speaks a little Spanish. Yeah, Bush went on to say that, because he can speak two languages, that makes him bi-lingatious.

So that also makes Bush bi-illegible.

Who knew?
The Toronto Argonauts of the Canadian Football League, have signed NFL-drug-banned Ricky Williams. This makes the third drug-banned player from the NFL the Argonauts have signed. Incidentally, Argonauts is a term from Greek mythology that means: Willy Nelson.  

Timing is nothing
A Dutch cycling union cleared Lance Armstrong of doping charges stemming from the 1999 Tour De France. Apparently this Dutch cycling union is a division of FEMA.

A Dutch cycling union cleared Lance Armstrong of doping charges stemming from the 1999 Tour De France. In addition, the Dutch cycling union also discovered that Bruce Willis was actually a ghost in “The Sixth Sense.”

Jumping on the bandwagaon
Despite their controversial anti-President Bush statements, the Dixie Chicks latest album, “Taking the Long Way” is the number one selling album. In a related story, has-been, brother-band Hansen said their next album is titled “President Bush is a Freakin’ Idiot.”

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
With the Rolling Stones, the Dixie Chicks, Bruce Springsteen and Neil Young, the latest trend in popular music are anti-President Bush songs. It was a little embarrassing, when asked if he considered these songs blasphemous, Bush said; “They do play them a little loud, yes.”

Not clear on the concept
The divorce settlement between Jessica Simpson and Nick Lache is getting ugly; it was a little awkward, when asked if there was any chance of an appeasement, Jessica said; “No, I’m not even pregnant.”

D.C. comics announced they are reintroducing Batwoman as a lipstick lesbian; Holy Melissa Ethridge, Batman.  

The new lesbian Batwoman is going to battle her lifelong rival: Xena, The Princess Warrior.

On a personal note, I would just like to say to DC Comics, oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

The question now is how much longer are Batman and Robin going to stay in their bat cave closet?

Batwoman as a lesbian? Come on, who in the world wants to watch a gorgeous lesbian in a tight lycra suit beating upand tying up Catwoman? OK, that was a stupid question. Forget I said that.

It’s not like we haven’t had gay comic characters before. I mean look at Popeye. The guy is a vegetarian sailor whose motto is “I am what I am.” It just doesn’t get any gayer than that.

Barry and Soccer? Closer than you might think
Owners of the Oakland Athletics have received permission to place an MLS team in the Bay Area. You know what the new Bay Area soccer team has in common with Barry Bonds? Neither one wants to touch the ball with their hands.
Since you asked:

Why do so many celebrities feel compelled to shove their political and personal beliefs down our throats? I’m not a Country Music fan by definition, but I like a good country song. But I honestly don’t give a red state’s hoot if Toby Keith likes President Bush or if Natalie Maines doesn’t. So why won’t they both shut up about it?

As someone working hard out in the distant fringe of the entertainment business, I will never understand why anyone would go out of their way to alienate a big percentage of their potential audience. Look at Jeanine Garofalo. She went from being a damn good comedian to being the punch line of all whiney, Goth, hyper- sensitive, politically correct, pain-in-the-ass jokes. Do I care if somebody who laughs at my jokes doesn’t have my exact same political views? Hell no, not that there are that many who laugh at my jokes anyway.

The point is, even back when Crosby, Stills and Nash did the really great song “Four Dead In Ohio” I remember thinking: do those big shot music stars actually think that we don’t already know that four college kids getting shot to death by the National Guard isn’t a horrible thing?

As someone who has performed, albeit limitedly, in public on many occasions, both in comedy and on the harmonica, I know that it takes a lot of confidence and guts to stand up there and put it all out on the line. Maybe a little cockiness and arrogance comes with that. And since I’ve never performed for more than about 1,000 people tops, maybe, as the number of people these stars perform for swells, their confidence and arrogance has to swell as well. That part I understand.

But when that arrogance extends so far that this famous person who - because of their god-given skills in the lucrative field of entertainment – probably didn’t finish high school, when they assume they know more than I do about what I should believe in, it is time for them to focus back on what made them famous and maybe sit down an eat a piece of shut-the-hell-up cake.

Nobody ever, after a hard days work, shelled out big money to be entertained and then thought:

“Gosh, I sure hope Carrot Top espouses his views on the trouble in the Middle East.”  

Lord knows I loves me some Boss, and if you ever want to see a 50,000 person love-fest, catch Bruce Springsteen, like I did in 1985, at the Meadowlands in his beloved home state of New Jersey. But when Bruce started a long rambling speech on who-remembers-what, it was so tensely quiet, you could hear the eyeballs rolling in frustration. And this is a crowd where each and every one of these people would take a bullet for Bruce.

Believe me, I am not talking about the celebrities who walk the walk and do great things with their celebrity, like Oprah, Lance Armstrong and Bono and, yes, I have to say it, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. I am talking about the Michael Moore’s and the Barbra Streisand’s and the Bill O’Reilly’s and the Rush Limbaugh’s, and especially the Tom Cruise’s – how can that little pygmy be so good in the movies and so bad in real life? - who want their opinions blasted in our faces merely for the sake of promoting themselves and inflating their over-sized egos.

If you are so uniformed and so easily swayed that sweet, cute, talented, but probably-not-a-member-of-Mensa Dixie Chick singer Natalie Maines can change your opinion on the evils of war and or the capability, or lack thereof, of our current President, you have more problems than which way to lean on politics. You probably want to seek professional mental help.

Just don’t tell Tom Cruise. He hates that crap.