Tuesday, May 30, 2006

It is hard out here

We steppin’ off wit’ da goooooood foot in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Bradelina’s spawn
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had a baby girl they named Shiloh; Shiloh is an old Hebrew name that means: my parents are way hotter than yours.

This is one kid who will have no problem finding a play group.  

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had a baby girl they named Shiloh Nouvel. Shiloh is Jewish and Nouvel is French, so that means the child will be excellent at negotiating deals for surrender.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had a baby girl named Shiloh Nouvel; five minutes after Brad and Angelina’s baby was born, ironically, it was adopted by a starving African couple.

Brad and Angelina had a baby girl, Shiloh. It won’t be easy being Brad and Angelina’s kid.

“So what did you do in school today?  Oh you made a clay pot? That’s great. Me? Oh, “People” magazine’s sexiest list, $20 mil for a movie and a Nobel Peace prize nomination. The usual.”

Can you imagine being the principal at Angelina Jolie’s kid’s school? “Yes, I know this is the twentieth time this week I’ve called you in, Ms. Jolie, but I want to keep you up to date on just how well little Shiloh is finger painting. She is a genius.”

How would you like to be Shiloh’s first grade teacher on Parents night? “Shiloh is a good listener, she helps me out during clean up and . .  . my god you two are so freaking hot!”

It will be great to be Brad and Angelina’s kid for the annual school fundraiser. “Thanks to Shiloh’s parents, Brad and Angelina, this year’s kissing booth earned just over $22 million dollars.”

How would you like to be another parent on career day with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? “Yes, I am a brain surgeon, and what I do is, oh, who gives a crap?”

Bailing on Bonds
Barry Bonds passed Babe Ruth with his 715th home run but nobody seems to care. It shows that, if you got to where you are by using steroids, people don’t like it. Which may also explain Governor Schwarzenegger’s low approval rating.

Summer blockbuster
Despite the recent alligator attacks in Florida, for every person killed by an alligator, 200 are killed from crashing into a deer.  So Disney’s “Bambi” is being made into a horror sequel:

“Bambi’s Revenge: Steer Clear of the Deer.”

So that’s why
A study claims that, for men, sex is four times more satisfying than masturbation. That’s why a lot of guys feel that, in order to improve masturbation, they have to practice, practice, practice.

In Florida, three people were killed by alligators in one week; it is so bad, today somebody saw an alligator with matching human shoes and human handbag.

What a coincidence
The Dallas Mavericks lead the Phoenix Suns 2-1. Mavericks guard Jason Terry revealed that he always sleeps in the game shorts of the opposing team. Which is wild because Paris Hilton also sleeps in the game shorts of the opposing team, except Paris does it while they still wearing them.

Since you asked:
So I am playing Checkers last night outside on a beautiful Memorial Day night - after my awesome bacon avocado burgers - against Virg with Ann Caroline waiting to play the winner. In Checkers, I move really fast because I like to think it throws off my opponent. So Virg asked;

“Why don’t you slow down and think about your move?”

So I told her that the reason I move so fast is because I am sort of a Checkers genius and, like Bobby Fischer with Chess, I can play at much higher speeds than most people.

As if on cue, Virg double jumped me for a King. Without missing a beat, Ann Caroline said;

“Whoa, how about that, Mister Genius?”

In order to get even, let me say to anyone reading this out there in Internet land  - including my beloved A.L.b.b. regular readers, all ten of you - that, although she does look adorable when she sleeps, complete with her arm around her blue plush bunny, Blueberry, Ann Caroline does, however, snore like a drunken sailor.

Any other seven-year-olds want to mess wit’ da kid? Huh? Yeah, I didn’t think so.